unrequited

10

The sun leaked through my window signaling that it was morning. Finally, I thought. I had spent the whole night thinking about everything.

The ironic part about all of this was that Chanhee and Changmin were desperately trying to keep me from making a mistake. But I felt like I had already made one. Long before Sunwoo came into my life.

I don't know what I would have done differently in the past, it just seemed like this was not it.

I swung my legs over the side of my bed. His words echoed in my head. Good night. I love you.

Then the silence that came after that. My body was aching for him to say those words again to me, to see if I heard him correctly. It felt like those three words had never truly meant anything for me until now.

I stared at myself in the mirror and I saw someone with regret on their face. In that moment, what would have happened if I stopped him again? If I hadn't let go of him? What about if I said it back? Would I even been able to say it back?

A hard knock on my door made me flinch, and it opened immediately afterward.

Chanhee.

My brother stepped halfway inside and said, "You look terrible."

"Look in the mirror, you shit," I said back.

"I'm gonna ignore that. Get your shoes, we're going out to dinner," he said.

"We?"

"Me you and Changmin," He said.

"I have-"

"No buts," Chanhee said. He gave me his best older brother look. "Please. He needs this."

Then he left. I was very sure that the last thing Changmin needed was me there to remind him of what happened last night. Unless, to him nothing happened. What if I'm just overthinking all of this?

I pulled a sweatshirt over my head and I went downstairs.

The boys were waiting by the door and I avoided eye contact with both of them as I put my shoes on.

"Pancakes?" Chanhee suggested.

"Sure," Changmin answered.

The three of us got into my mom's car with me sitting alone in the back. Chanhee drove to the nearest breakfast place and we sat in a booth.

I wasn't sure if I was the one making this awkward, or if we all were. We were all quieter than usual, and we mostly ate in silence.

"So...." chanhee began. "How is she doing?"

"I don't know, last I saw her she was coughing up a lung and it looked pretty grim." Changmin replied darkly.

"Serri??"

"What? No! My grandma," Changmin looked at my brother from across the table.

"Oh. Sorry, I was asking about Serri because I didn't think you wanted to talk about the home situation." Chanhee said.

"Oh." Changmin let out a forced laugh. "she's good."