unrequited

28

April 5th, 1999
For Choi Doah,
Sorry you haven't heard from me in a few weeks Dohs, the computers at the nearby library are always being used, and I've been busy unpacking and stuff. My mom got the email notification about prom in May, and I really really hope I'll be back by then!

How are things at school? Eunjung isn't still bothering you is she? Chanhee hasn't responded to my emails in a while, is he still alive?

The weather is nice here, not too humid and the air quality is so much better than korea! We should come back here one day together. There are so many movie posters and streets with cool apartments that I'm taking pictures of to show you when I get back.

-ji.chang

April 8th, 1999
Changmin,
School is fine like usual, it's so boring you're not missing anything. Though my mom questioned me yesterday as to why I've been using her computer so much haha. Do Americans use cell phones over there? Have you seen any celebrities yet?

Chanhee is alive, but not very well (per usual) I try to get him outside sometimes, but he's making final edits on his applications so there's nothing I can do about it right now. Anyway I can't wait to see your photos! Will you take a few so that I can hang it up in my room?

How is your grandma doing? I miss you,
- doah

April 10th, 1999
Dear Doah,
It was just my grandma and I the other day in her hospital room. I was reading an English book (The Great Gatsby, I'm taking it home for you because you'd like it) and she suddenly apologized to me. She said she was sorry that my mom made me leave the house, and then moved us to the states. She said that she didn't want it to be like this, that she would rather go in peace.

I don't want to sound cruel, but I felt such a hatred for my mom then. She was controlling everyone's lives without considering how the rest of us felt. I told my grandma that it was okay, but then she began to cry about how she didn't actually want to get better. It was kind of disturbing to hear, but in a way, I understood her.

I don't know if that made sense, but I haven't been able to make any friends or have anyone to talk to. English is hard!

- j.ch

April 11th, 1999
Changmin,
I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this, you're just in high school you shouldn't have to think about difficult decisions like life and death. I understand your mom wanting to keep her loved ones for as long as possible, but at some point it just becomes selfish, because sometimes people are in so much pain that they don't want to feel better anymore.

I don't think you sound cruel. I think that I would feel the exact same as you.

Definitely bring that book back for me, and tell me what you think when you finish it!

- ch.D

April 13th, 1999
The book was great, though I think you would appreciate it even more since you're more fluent than me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I see my grandma moving from room to room, she can barely speak now. They hook her up to machines and draw blood and feed her so many pills yet she doesn't look better. She seems worse, even. It's hard to see someone you knew all your life go through this. The worst part is knowing that she didn't want this to happen. She doesn't want to leave this world being someone she's not, but she can't tell my mom that because she doesn't understand.

I'm trying to stay in the city more often to explore. I heard a song on the radio I thought you would like, but I didn't know the name of it. I'm bringing home cassette tapes we can listen to when I'm back!