unrequited

35

After school that day when I finished my homework, I was reading on the floor of my bedroom. The sun was seeping through my window and I felt at peace because I was distracted from everything.

There was a soft knock on my door and Changmin came in. He closed it behind him and sat down in front of me with his legs crossed.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey." I said back.

Despite how much he was sleeping, he only seemed to grow more tired.

"I talked to Chanhee." Changmin said. He didn't say anything after that but I knew.

"He wants us to break up." I said quietly. My voice almost a whisper.

"I know," He looked down at his hands.

"Is that what you want?" I asked.

"I want.... I want you to be happy. Happier than I am. And.... I'm so sorry that I'm like this." He said.

I shook my head. "You don't have to apologize."

"No, no I do." He swallowed. "Everything was supposed to be fine when I came back and- and now I don't know if it ever will be. I'm just.... I just don't want to be the one to tie you down." Changmin said. "I'm sorry."

"I understand," I said.

"And," he added. "I don't want you to wait for me."

I looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't want you to wait for me."

"Did my brother put you up to say this??"

"No." Changmin said quickly. He finally put his head up and looked me in the eyes. "The more you wait the harder it will be. And.... and I'm not a person who deserves to be waited for."

I felt something damp on my cheek. I didn't register it was a tear until Changmin reached up and wiped it off with his sleeve.

"That's not true," I said, and another tear somehow escaped. "You're wrong," I covered my face because for some reason I didn't want him to see me cry. I used to not care, and it wasn't because I thought he would judge me. It's just that I thought if I showed any sign of weakness he might latch onto it, and he would feel so guilty.

But he didn't latch onto it. Instead Changmin moved closer to me and held his arms around me like before. I felt my forehead on his shoulder and for the first time he felt strong again.

That's how I knew that he was still in there. This wasn't permanent and there was still a chance.

I was willing to risk that. I was definitely willing to wait.

I pulled myself out of his arms and I stopped crying. I saw his eyes were shiny but he let go.

"No." I said. "We're taking a break. We're not breaking up. I'm not moving on. That's the end of the story, that's non-negotiable."

Changmin opened his mouth to argue.

"Non. Negotiable." I clarified.

He looked at me, impressed. He nodded his head, possibly out of fear. "Yes ma'am." He answered.

"Good," I sniffled.

"What are you reading?" Changmin asked after a pause.

I showed it to him. The Stranger by Albert Camus.

"Actually, you might want to read it." I said. "You might find it interesting."

It was about a French man living an isolated life without much emotion or attachment.

I handed it to him and Changmin turned to the first page. I watched him read for a while. It was in English, so i could see him focusing hard.

"Oh, sorry. Here." Changmin handed it back to me.

"No, take it. I'll read my other book," I went over to my book shelf and grabbed another one.

We laid on the carpet of my bedroom floor next to each other, reading. It was like before. Before we had started dating, before we even got super close. This is what it was like.

We must have fallen asleep like that, because the next day I woke up with the sun hitting my face. It was the crack of dawn, and it was still dim inside my room. My book was open across my chest, and I glanced to my other side where Changmin was already awake and reading. He was about a quarter of the way through the book.

"Did I wake you up?" Changmin asked softly.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. I rested my head next to his shoulder. I had the urge to move closer to him, to touch my forehead to his chest and have his arm around me. But I didn't. I didn't want to screw anything up more.

"How's the book?" I asked.

"Good," He answered, his eyebrows were knit with concentration.

When I examined him, my eyes softened for him. I smiled a bit, remembering that this was the earliest he had waken up since he got back.

+++

Days like that passed by. We would come home after school, read together on the floor of my bedroom, and repeat.

Chanhee and I began to notice a change in him. A good change, like he was moving back to who he used to be. It was slow, but it was definitely happening. He started talking to us again, he stopped falling asleep in class. On the weekends he would get up and go on a walk by himself. He'd force himself to get up and out of bed earlier in the morning. He started listening to music again rather than just staring off into space.

And eventually, when we'd come home from school, Changmin would start doing the work he missed. Then at night, when we were both done with homework we'd grab our books and just read in comfortable silence.

It felt like paradise with him, even if we weren't officially together. Reading in the sun, feeling the softness of the carpet on my cheek. Hearing nothing but the rustling of pages turning and his soft breathing beside me. That was all I needed.