What we could've been | TWD Carnid

ON THE ROAD

ENID

It's just grass. Simple grass. Green, white in some places because of the cold. My mom told me there are more than a thousand types of grass. That's a lot. But why should I care about that ? This isn't about the damn soil but what it represents.

"Enid?" I look up to face Carl's worried face. "You want me to cross with you?" I look back and forth between his hand reaching for me and the grass.

"No. I have to do this on my own'' This is it. One step. It's all it takes. One leg movement and I am out. Out of this damn place. I turn back, giving one last look to the mountain range we've just crossed. I can't see the forest from here but I can feel it. Like a shadow recovering it to create this trap, this cage. And I am at its gates. I thought that facing freedom I would rush for it, run to the other side. Yet, here I am. I am not second guessing, it just feels weird to finally be able to touch something I've longed for so long. The forest, it's all I have known for the past few months whereas what's on the other side is unknown. But safe. Or safer at least.

I start to unwrap the piece of fabric holding Joan against me. I do it machinaly, one turn after the other. When I am done, I raise the baby to my shoulder, turning on the side for her to see the border.

"This is it Joan" I take a deep breath, raising my foot. It's only in the air for a few seconds but it feels like an eternity. I only allow myself to breathe when my foot comes in contact with the ground away. I bring the other and that's it. It's all it took.

"I did it Dawn, Jonas. I brought her out" It's just words. Letters brought together for me to speak them out loud. But saying it, meaning it and not just imagining it, it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. "I did it" I start to laugh, my voice echoing on the trees. That's only then I turn to Carl and his face lights up. "We did it" And I keep repeating it, over and over again to make those words reality. I am free.

***

Heat. I missed it. Lighting a fire without this dread down my guts of being hunted down. At least that's what I would like to say but deep down I can't help but to look among the trees for any faces, open my ears for any footsteps heading our way. Old habits. I guess I can't expect to be calm so fast. I don't know if I will ever be. It took me years to relax after I got to Alexandria. Now ? Who knows. But at least I am not alone.

I move a bit to get closer to Joan. She's awake and looking at me with those big round eyes. She looks so much like Dawn. Her little hands are freeing themselves out of the cloth to reach for locks of my hair desperately. I don't move, letting her swirl her tiny fingers around it, even if it hurts as she pulls the hair towards her.

"Pretty sure she wants a hug" I can hear coming from my left. I turn to find Carl, twigs in his arms heading our way to fan the flames.

"Or maybe she's already training to become a fighter" I retort, tickling Joan's belly. She can't laugh yet but gives away these little sounds sounding happy enough for me.

"Like her mother?" Carl whispers and for a second I freeze. I look up to meet his eye and I know where he's getting at but decides to act like I don't.

"You would have liked Dawn" I breathe and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel sad while mentioning her name. Of course I feel nostalgic and I wished she could have been here. With us. But right now, I can only remember her smile, her laugh and her stupid jokes when we weren't able to sleep.

"If she was anything like you then sure" I smile at Carl's comments, rolling my eyes

"She was feisty. She had this thing that would just make you stay strong no matter what. She could have beaten this world" As soon as I pronounce those words, Carl lets out a little laugh. I glance at him with this inquiring look.