What we could've been | TWD Carnid

WHO TO CHOOSE ?

ENID

The first thing I feel while breaking out of my dreams is warmth. The second is the scent of pine. It reminds me of the forest but not a scary one, quite the opposite. I picture this wild forest, the green trees almost touching the sky while their leaves are lightened by sunrise light. That is what I imagine as I tuck my head even more. I want to smell more of it. Wait.

I finally find the strength to open my eyes to scan the area only to realize I am way in Carl's arms. I remember falling asleep against his chest, my head against his heart, which was beating surprisingly fast at first. I just didn't expect us to stay that way all night long, nor intermingle our legs like that.

I immediately blush and attempt to stand up but his grip tightens as I try to free myself, pulling me back down. I raise my chin, ready to protest only to find out Carl seems still very well asleep. Not believing it, I can't help but pull his cheek, messing with him. But all I get is a sleepy grunt as he crunches his nose. Cute. Even though I would love to mess with him, he deserves some sleep. So instead I find myself staring at him while playing with his hair. My finger twirls a glock of his hair machinally. He seems so peaceful like that, so vulnerable.

I skim over his face, gently as not to wake him up. He has grown so much since the last time we were together in that room. I can even spot this little beard fuzz. If I look even closer I can tell he cut himself while shaving once or twice. I let go of a little laugh at his clumsiness at first, until I remember he has no father left to teach him how to shave. He'll probably even be the one teaching RJ how to do it, which somehow is even sadder. I am so glad his siblings have him though. He's their older brother but in a way he's also the closest they have to a father at this point. That's how I know he'll make a great dad one day.

I don't know if I can say the same about me though. I might have been there to help Maggie raise Hershel Jr but I am not a mother. Joan needs her real mother. I am just the girl who happened to survive the woods. I mean I did struggle to put Joan back to sleep earlier. I can barely take care of myself, so of a baby ? I mean as soon as I put her down to sleep, I just ended up having nightmares. And then...

That's when I remember about last night. Me reaching for Carl. Shit. I don't know what got into me last night. Just thinking of it makes me feel embarrassed. I just know that from the minute I woke up from that nightmare, I needed to go see him, I needed him. Why would I have needed him ? And inviting him to my bed. Really ? Am I that desperate ?

Well maybe I do know why. I felt it before. I felt it so many times. But it can't be it. It can't. Pull yourself together Enid. It's probably just because he saved me, he's the only one I have been with for a while, he's more familiar. I mean I am over him. But am I really ? Yes, I have to be. He broke my heart. Plus I have a boyfriend. Fuck, I have a boyfriend ! Alden.

All it takes is for his face to appear in my mind for this instant guilt to take over. So this time, I strongly grab Carl's arm to free myself and put some distance between him, currently waking up and me. It takes everything I have to do so, to run from his arms and this scent I adore. I see him move, grunting as he slowly comes out of his sleep while I grab a jean to dress myself.

"Enid?" His voice is deep and for a second I want to give in to this sleepy voice. But I can't. I won't.

"Gotta feed Joan" I pretend when in fact, Joan is still very well asleep. But he doesn't know that so I kneel to take the baby into my arms, and seconds later I am out of the room, running from him. Running from myself really.

I only take a few steps before I lean myself against the wall, taking deep breaths. I can't run forever, now that we are out of the woods, I won't be able to pretend it's just gratitude I am feeling for Carl. I know that but so many things are happening at the same time, I can't deal with all those emotions at once. At least not until I face Alden again. Maybe it will fade once I see him again. It has to. But do I want it to disappear ?