The Before [Prequel- Part 1]

Doubts

~~~Loki's pov~~~

I stared up at the cold, metal ceiling as I lay on the small cot in the room as I had for the past hour or so.

In the middle of my existential crisis, only one thought echoed through my mind.

I don't deserve it. I'd mess it up anyway.

It wasn't the first time I'd thought those things, but Gunner's words confirmed them for me.

I never thought myself worthy of love. Odin didn't either. He took me to Asgard as a part of his political agenda. I was an unspoken peace treaty between the Jotuns and Asgard.

And how could he love me? I'm the monster that parents tell their children about at night. One of the cursed Frost Giants that Asgardians and Midgardians alike are raised to despise.

Granted, I was only half Jotun. But that didn't make it any better. My father was a Frost Giant, while my biological mother... She was Asgardian. I'm not exactly sure who she was or how she even met Laufey, but I do know that she didn't care for me either.

My biological parents left me to die as an infant, and maybe they would've come back for me if Odin hadn't taken me. I guess we'll never know. Because as he always manages to do, Odin ruined my chance at happiness.

But the question still stands. How could I possibly be a good father when I never had one of my own?

It's been plaguing me for the last six and a half months. Ever since Catherine told me.

She has no idea how afraid I am of ruining this. Or how scared I am that something might happen to her and the baby will be harmed.

I thought that would be the case with what happened with Grill. Not only was he hurting her physically, but I knew it was bringing back memories of Hydra's torture. And the fact that I couldn't protect her from it...

I still remember the day we found out.

Catherine had been feeling sick for days. If she wasn't in the bathroom throwing up, she was sleeping or complaining about headaches.

After about a week of this, I became increasingly concerned, even though she assured me she was alright.

The following day, she went to the store and bought the tests.

Imagine my shock when she showed me the positive tests a few hours later.

Honestly, neither of us expected it, but we were happy.

And yes, I was genuinely happy. That is until I started thinking.

It's not like I don't like children. I do. I'm just not sure I deserve to be a father to one.

How could I be what I never had?

And then, of course, was my reputation among the people of Midgard. Or, Earth as I've come to call it in recent years.

Once this child finds out about that, they'll end up resenting me.

Forget New York. The governments of the world have a never-ending list of reasons to hate me. Starting with how I didn't sign the Sokovia Accords and ending with the fight in Germany. And let's not disregard how I broke Catherine out of a federal prison.

These were all concerns before we found out it was a girl. My worries multiplied tenfold after that.

I'm not sure why the idea of having a daughter is so much more frightening than the idea of having a son. It just is.

And to top it all off, recently, Catherine and I came to the realization that this little girl would undoubtedly have some kind of abilities. Whether they'd be mine, Catherine's, or a combination of both was the question.

Raising a normal child would have been hard enough, but one with extreme magical abilities would be torture.

At least when I was growing up, I had my mother. I wish she was here...

I was broken out of my saddened thoughts by someone knocking on the door.

Upon opening said door, I was greeted by Agents Coulson and May.

But not Catherine.

"Where's Catherine?" I asked before either of them could get a word out.

~~~Phil's pov~~~

He's going to kill me. He's actually going to kill me.

For real this time!

"Funny story... When we were on Level 35, something happened with some Kree soldiers. Catherine offered to hold them off while we escaped, but we haven't heard from her since." I explained quickly, slightly wincing at the very end.

His eyes hardened immediately. "Why the hell would you leave her there?!"

May spoke up, trying to calm the tense conversation. "She insisted. There was nothing-"

"Don't say there was nothing you could have done. You should've dragged her out of there whether she wanted to or not." His words were icy, but I could see the fear in his eyes.

He wasn't angry as much as concerned and undoubtedly afraid for Catherine's safety. And not just her but their unborn child as well.

~~~Loki's pov~~~

They just left her there. Alone. To fight the Kree!

Say what you will, but all my previous fears were warranted.

This is all my fault. If I'd never taken her place working for Grill, she wouldn't have been on Level 35.

She must've gotten away. She must have.