Deeper Healing

30| Touch Me

Leilani Edwards

I stretched my hand out of the open window of the black SUV that Carlos was driving at a safe yet thrilling speed, spreading my warm fingers in the air once the cool breeze eddied around them.

With my other arm lying on the window frame and my chin resting on it, I could slowly tilt my head from side to side, feeling the breeze tousle my hair and spread it out soothingly.

Once upon a time before I got a rude awakening, this was a weekend ritual, but mostly on my motorcycle. The sun used to set as beautifully as it did now and the air as fresh as it felt right now. Although most flowers hadn't bloomed as brightly as they had now back then, I still had a clear picture of the beauty nature held that mesmerised me.

The woods were our hiding sanctuary, a place where we were different people drawing pleasure nonstop out of each other and foolishly believing love drew us together. He was a married man and I had turned into a homewrecker because of that fateful affair.

Thinking about it made the air feel polluted and my insides churn. It still nagged me every now and then and a part of me was afraid his wife would come for me one day. I still worried too about what their home was like now. She had been pregnant back then and I wasn't aware whether she'd given birth yet or not. Had Bryce made up with his family and resumed proper duties as a husband and a father?

I sighed softly, dropping the worries from my senses. He was on his own now and so was I. I didn't want our lives to overlap for any reason; for that to happen, I had to erase him from my memories.

Trying to forget my affair landed me in a nagging part of my thoughts I didn't like either. Blake hadn't tried to reach out since our conversation and I wasn't sure whether he was giving me space or he'd given up already.

That was what I felt like I needed all these years, for him to ignore me and live his life, but now that it felt like he was, I yearned to have at least a meaningful conversation with him before proceeding with my dream of leaving at least New York City.

I hated this part of my complex relationships with people. I was highly undecided about everything although sometimes I pretended to have the situation under control.

A soft sigh audible enough for me to hear came from beside me and I slowly tilted my head, looking at Nikolai who sat next to me with a cup holder compartment separating our seats. He sat in a position nearly similar to mine, his elbow out the wide open window and head cracked in that direction.

In the first half an hour since we'd left New York, he'd been working on his laptop before putting everything aside and getting lost in his thoughts. He'd said this was a business trip to the site of the Elite Project he'd promised to give me a tour of since quite many features had already been developed, but I knew this was more than work.

It was an escape from reality, from his struggles with the people he loved and him giving himself a break I felt he really needed. I didn't try making him say and share what he didn't want to. He deserved this time to be quiet and reflect and figure things out on his own before I'd get involved. He had to do what he needed to for his own peace of mind and so did I.

If someone would see us like this, they'd probably think we were having a cold war, but I learnt to love the fact that our relationship was neither conventional nor ordinary. We had our own set of rules and boundaries that we respected. 

We were both broken in different ways and dealing with demons from the past and the present. That gave us a unique connection and understanding of each other's feelings and in a way, a foundation to start the healing process on as each other's pillar of comfort and positivity.