Deeper Healing

28| Know You

Leilani Edwards

Nikolai lay his head on my lap, looking up at the starlit midnight sky with his weary eyes closed. His left leg was elevated by his bent knee with his foot lying flat on the balcony sofa we sat on. 

He'd been in that position for hours, first with his eyes open, just blankly staring at the stars in silence like they held answers to the questions swirling through his mind, but now he'd closed his eyes and seemed more peaceful.

There was a type of danger that came with the silence of a broken man and I felt it hard with Nikolai. I didn't know him deeply enough to figure out his true feelings and what he was going through and that made me feel like shit because I felt like he could reach out to me in that way, but I couldn't.

The only thing I could do for him at this moment was to stay awake, watching over him with my fingers brushing through his soft hair, detangling the soft curls while my finger pads soothingly massaged his scalp. Pacifying him was my intention, every stroke and brush aiming at calming the silent war in his mind.

He'd asked for time to himself since we'd arrived from his office and I wanted to give him that time and be there for him at the same time. Was I doing a great job or did my presence just distract him even more? Was my touch soothing enough for him to feel my deep care and concern for him?

I sighed softly, throwing my head back till it hit the backrest of the sofa. What could I do to be good enough for a perfect man like him?

"I'm exhausting, I know," Nikolai's deep voice conferred, making me look back at his face with a smile touching my lips.

His eyes were open now, still sad, but slightly brighter especially after I brushed his hair backwards from his hairline with my hand and his lips cracked into a small smile. "That wasn't a sigh of exhaustion," I chuckled.

"Really?" he murmured softly, lifting his index finger to my face and poking my nose tip with it lightly, drawing a light chuckle from me. "What was it for then?"

"An I-miss-talking-to-you kind of sigh," I mumbled, staring down at him softly.

Nikolai's smile widened a little as he stared back at me with a kind of warmth in his eyes that felt familiar and comforting. The coldness was gone, replaced by something more welcoming, more Nikolai.

This was the version of him I knew best, the one I loved the most, but I couldn't stay in my comfort zone if I wanted to be a good friend to him. I had to know every version of him and still look at him with the same look full of warmth and softness.

"I'm sorry," he whispered so lightly I barely heard it.

"For what?"

He swallowed, maintaining eye contact. "For everything that went wrong today," he replied with a sense of guilt. "Fighting with Alex in front of you was a dick move and you didn't deserve to see that."

"I'm glad I did," I murmured reflectively. "I mean, I got to see another side of you that makes me feel less guilty about being imperfect."

He raised his hand to my face, cupping my cheek lightly. "I'll never do that to you."

"I can be super bitchy and triggering sometimes so you can never be sure," I chuckled, intertwining my fingers with his on my face and sliding them off to his stomach.

"We can always fix that in another way," he contended with a glint in his eyes.

I descended my eyes to his lips, chuckling lightly when I saw a small twitch. I dipped my head to his, raising my knee a little to elevate his head and pressed my lips lightly to his, feeling a fuzzy feeling in my stomach when he smiled against my lips, trying to push his tongue into my mouth.