65| I'm Tired

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Nikolai Coleman

I'd been waiting for this information for a great part of my life, nearly two decades and now that I had it, it filled me with so much sadness and grief I felt overwhelmed.

It'd already been nearly ten days since I found out yet it wasn't getting any magically easier to bear and deal with.

Perhaps I should have stayed in the dark, I tried to convince myself, but I knew I needed this closure to be certain I hadn't been abandoned.

My memories had naturally faded as I grew older no matter how hard I'd fought to keep them, but I still vividly remembered the day he'd left me at the orphanage.

I could still remember his eyes, the most intense yet calming shade of blue—eyes I'd kept locked inside my memory so I would never forget him.

Now I had his photo, a clear depiction of what he looked like. My memory hadn't failed me. I remembered him accurately.

Looking at his photo made me smile. I looked so much like him it was unbelievable. He was so full of life and the vigour to one day create a world where we could live happily and safely.

Now, those were nothing but merely his dreams I carried in my heart. He'd forever be thirty-five years old.

I deeply sighed, recalling when Carlos had told me and every emotion I'd felt seemed to return as a strong gush.

This entire time, I'd been waiting for a dead man. He'd passed away in a tragic car accident in Russia just a few days after leaving me here in the United States.

He'd made peace with the people who were after his life but all of it had been for nothing because he'd ended up dead anyway.

A beautiful ceremony had been held for him, a trustworthy source informed me and Carlos only got to find out about him because they'd held a twentieth death anniversary ceremony for him.

His life had mostly been about running and defending himself but it made me happy he'd found people who could still remember and celebrate him after so many years.

Maybe if he hadn't kept me a secret from everyone, they would have searched for me until they found me, but I believed everything happened for a reason.

He was resting now and that was all that mattered. I constantly prayed he was in a better place and watched me through these years achieve our dreams.

I would always love him, always, and I hoped soon enough, I could visit his final resting place and leave him some of his favourite flowers.

I was distracted from my thoughts by a gentle knock on the balcony door. I turned around to Leilani standing by the door, smiling softly at me.

I gave her a slight nod and a small smile, inviting her closer. She walked closer to me and sat in my lap, wrapping her arms around me with her head on my shoulder.

I gently grasped her by her waist, holding her closer to me with my face buried in her neck, her scent flooding my senses.

She was my peace and comfort. I couldn't imagine myself going through this without her.

She made the pain easier to bear and talked me through my feelings no matter how late in the night it was or how early in the morning. She just had her special way of understanding my feelings and taking good care of me at my lowest.

She gently pulled away before framing my face with her hand. "You're too quiet today and I'm worried," she told me. "How are you holding up, my love?"

How was I holding up? My emotions were all over the place, but I knew I'd feel better with time and it was normal feeling the things I felt.

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