Deeper Healing

03| Shame

Leilani Edwards

"Hush. It's okay. I've got you," he whispered softly, one of his hands drawing soothing circles in my back. His deep voice was magnetic to the core of who I was; as if he was able to resonate with all of me when others could barely achieve a fraction of it.

His fingers soothingly brushed my hair, his fingertips gently grazing my scalp periodically, sending ripples of warmth all the way down to my toes. Enclasped in his arms of extraordinary warmth and oddly satisfying comfort, I felt like a butterfly in a cocoon, safe within its walls, protected.

With my forehead pressed into his hard chest, I could hear his calm heartbeat beat like soothing drums in my ears, his strong musky cologne flooding my nostrils. My hands fisted his shirt into small knots as I held onto him desperately and my tears soaked through his shirt.

I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so secure in someone's arms, couldn't remember the last time someone pulled down my walls in a matter of minutes by simply asking me a question I didn't know I yearned to be asked.

Was I really okay? Fuck no. There was a war going on in my head, I was drowning in my own fears and insecurities and the ghosts of my past haunted me day and night.

Holding it all in and pretending I was okay was a habit I had mastered, but in one single moment, I failed miserably at it and let myself break down in front of a stranger.

I was mad at myself, furiously disappointed for allowing my emotions to get the best of me and letting someone else who wasn't me see that side of me I didn't ever want anyone to see.

This was the part of me I despised, the real me deeply buried under all the layers of false confidence and strength. A weak, insecure and vulnerable little bitch.

I was supposed to count this as a failure on my part, yet for some reason, it felt oddly good like something my soul needed all along. I gave up resisting; my walls tumbled down on their own accord despite me trying with all my might to hold them up.

It was okay to lose sometimes, but only like this, with someone who radiated an aura strong enough to soothe my soul.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. These were enough public tears for a lifetime. I didn't want to leave the impression of a broken and vulnerable girl. Not everyone had to see me in that light. I had to stop and control myself. I had probably been burdensome enough all night long.

As my sobs died down, I felt his fingers spear into my hair gently and he started massaging my scalp deeply. His hand held my head firmly as he slowly pulled my head off his chest, his touch gentle and unhurried.

I drew back from him voluntarily, using both of my hands to wipe away my tears. I didn't want to look directly at him. I was an ugly crier and I felt I had embarrassed myself enough already.

When he withdrew his hands completely from my body, his warmth disappeared, leaving a lingering tingle where his skin had made contact with mine. I had already gotten comfortable and I had enjoyed it a little bit more than I was supposed to. I never had such control issues before. The effect he had on me was alarming.

When I looked up at him, he was directly looking at me. The emotion in his eyes was fathoms deep, yet they carried the warmth and life of the sunlit surface. They had a thousand hues of blue and a small touch of the sweetest threads of caramel radiating in softly swooping arcs. He was breathtakingly handsome.

Unlike half of the men I had met in my life, he wasn't staring at me with lust-filled eyes like he wanted to rip off my clothes and devour every last bit of me in a burning blaze of passion. He looked at me like he understood me as and there was nothing wrong with breaking down sometimes.