Deeper Healing

36| Lion's Den

Leilani Edwards

"I've been a shitty father to you from the day you were born," Blake admitted, holding onto my hand like it was his lifeline. "Heck," he continued, sniffling and swiping at his eyes with the back of his other hand to wipe away his tears, "I haven't been a father to you at all."

Took you long enough to realise.

"I know," he said, a weak smile stretching his lips, "it shouldn't have taken me a near-death experience to realise and admit. I'm even shittier for that."

He was struggling to speak and every word he spoke robbed his breath every second. I could tell from his erratic breathing, chest movements and facial expressions.

He was straining himself too much and the last thing I needed was him dying on me, saying words that'd haunt me for the rest of my life and make me feel like the villain again.

"You don't have to say so many words," I said, looking at our held hands, something that was a first. "Save your breath for the battle of your life that you're facing."

I felt his hand tighten around mine as if he knew I was close to letting go. "I love you, Lani."

His words made my heart twist, not in a warm kind of manner, but one that made me feel suffocated because I felt like he didn't mean it. They were the words of a dying man scared of death and hoping to die with his soul at ease.

"No, you don't," I let the words slip past my lips. "You loved my mother, not me."

Deep down from the moment I'd embarked on the journey back to New York, I knew something of this sort would be inevitable. I couldn't lie to myself and to him that his condition suddenly made everything okay when sincerely, it didn't change the pain I'd felt all these years.

If me showing up in such a state meant anything, then it was me seeking my freedom and salvation, a struggle towards the light in truth and sincerity.

My only hope was he didn't misunderstand my concern and panic for turning a blind eye to the past. This was just me trying not to be the villain despite how much it pained me.

"That's where you have it wrong, Lani," he opposed. "I-I love you although my actions might not say it. I admit that I struggle to reach out to you in the way you desire. I try, but I feel like I'm not good enough of the father you might have needed."

How was I supposed to believe words without actions? His words just made me feel even worse and more of a problematic and selfish child who couldn't appreciate anything.

Was I like that? Was my anger and bitterness towards him meaningless and simply an immature outburst of the trauma I survived alone for most of my life?

"I did it again, didn't I?" He looked disappointed in himself, his voice bearing guilt. "My words came out wrong and I twisted them from what I meant to say."

I bit on my bottom lip in an attempt to stop it from quivering. I felt like bawling like a baby for a reason I didn't understand.

I diligently slipped my hand out of Blake's, taking a deep controlled breath with the hope that it wouldn't channel my tears out of my eyes instead.

"I won't apologise for who I am and the feelings I feel," I told him, mustering the courage to look into his eyes. "I just hope that one day, you'll understand from my point of view that making things work out is not as easy as it sounds."

"Then give me a chance to understand you," he begged in a whispery tone, his hand holding mine down by my wrist. "If I leave this place alive, I want to start over with you and give you the life I owe you. Please, Leilani."