KOTLC Oneshots Cause Why Not

The feelings were never his.

It wasn't that he hadn't felt warmth before. He was an empath, he could feel feelings perfectly fine.

Its just...

The feelings were never his.

One time Fitz's, maybe Biana's, and more often than not, it was Sophie's.

The emotions were never his.

The emotions were never his

Oh, god how he'd ached for them to be. He'd cried and whined and broke and died inside, and decided self-pity wasn't getting him anywhere and that he was going to be happy.

Funny how the solution twisted so violently. Twisted so beyond belief you couldn't comprehend how this was a solution at all. It was destructive, it was corrosive, it was harmful, and it was a habit he had picked up.

It turned into a game, really. How far could he go before he broke? How far could he go before he fell and crashed and was washed away? How far could he go before he couldn't?

He was happy.

He was happy.

The warmth was his and the anger was his and the content was his and he wasn't essentially broken from the core.

He was not.

For the better part of 14 years, he survived Candleshade. He broke, no doubt, but he survived Candleshade.

(sometimes, in the dead of night, he wondered if it would have been better if he didn't. If it would have been better if he shattered)

(Sometimes, in the dead of the night, he resigned to the fact that he was supposed to)

He survived Candleshade.

He survived Candleshade.

He survived Candleshade, but maybe he was only being dramatic.

So when he met Tam Song, he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. No, he wanted to give him the utter trust that things could be worse, you should stop being so whiny.

All that trust, all that faith, all that belief turned on him.

Because save for Linh, Keefe and Tam were the same.

Had Linh not been a part of the equation, Tam would have grown a Keefe, been a Keefe, lived a Keefe, and died a Keefe.

He would have died a Keefe, And Keefe will.

He tried. Stars help him, he tried to backpedal. Tried to convince himself Linh changed things. Tried to convince himself Linh was their difference, that they weren't the same.

(The small, broken, frayed, childish part of his soul wanted to believe their parents changed things. The slightly larger, jagged, tearstained, and blackened part needed to believe his did)

(all the parts of his soul agreed to shatter. All the parts of him rebelled)

this is shitty. i know that. i think someone might enjoy this though, so here you go. ily all <3