so i may have fucked up?
depends on how you look at it really.
but that's for later or in this entry. so today i finally went to my new school and boy was it an eye opener. ive already got my courses lined out and gonna finish by june and restart grade 11 in September. so yesterday when dad told me that i was abruptly expected at school today i made us go shopping to Sephora for sunscreen and some other essentials as well as hnm because i left all my only pair of pants back at our old house. and boy did i find the most fabulous pair the last second i am so happy with it.
today i wore it with my signature burgundy red top and earrings. also pro tip; never wear even 3 inch heels to school. my feet will never forgive me for what i put them thru today but ive learnt my lesson. tomorrow i will wear my comfest shoes lmao the only ones ive got. but yes, tomorrow. i dont get a breather day or anything, its asap to work. ive got 3.5 credits to complete this year till june and i might take a summer class for extra credit cause i just want to get high school over and done with as quickly as possible.
theres no bus system in my school and so ill have to take the community bus which is specialized for the school so a school bus of sorts. and ugh theres so much to do i have to register with the bank, get a drivers license, get a sim card. oof. i dont even have a backpack or a notebook yet, dad ordered it from amazon and it should come by tomorrow so im excited for that as well.
now for the tea. i blocked cam.
moving on to pod. i mighta sorta overdone it. ok so im working on myself and my life and mindset etc. and im also doing shadow work to heal and part of that is acknowledging and honouring both the good and bad parts of yourself and to basically eliminate any trace of shame or self hate etc.
i know i have a problem. the problem in question? my need to seduce men i find worthy of seducing. at this point its not even a conscious act, if i find the man appealing i automatically and unconsciously seduce. there are exceptions ofc, if he has a gf or wife ill not bother but singles are a different game. its me, its always been me and im not ashamed of it. but anywho so i was talking with pod and yk how i said he planned an entire future with us both for 20 mins and sent me the txts. well that was nothing in comparison to what happened earlier this week.
so were having a convo on love and psychology etc and he starts asking me things ive said before and what they meant and me being me i dont give straight answers cuz duh thats the first rule. but anywho, it gets to a point where hes asking me what would happen if our fundamental differences were to get out of the way? did i back off? absolutely not. i instead reply, "magic". and he takes that as a greenlight to proceed into a 3 hr convo of our differences and what we want in life and when and how we could overcome those differences. and when i tell you he picked everything of mine over his i mean it. he wanted kids traditionally and i didnt, i wanna get a hysterectomy at 18 and have kids thru surrogates and he was now saying ok no prob and asking how many kids i wanted with him.
even location, i wanna live in the uk build my dream estate and he doesn't like the cold but he was like ok, ill stay inside with tea and i was like ok damnn. and numerous other things so in the end it was all on my terms. and mind you ve been training him for a while now, using psychological tricks like positive reinforcing to get what i want. like i said its all part of the seduction and i cant help it.
but what truly boggled me is that the whole time he was planning our future i didnt feel even an ounce of excitement for our future. i was just nonchalant and indifferent in person, over text ofc i acted the part i needed for the seduction but as i typed i checked my heart over and over but there was nothing there. over the next few days it made me question if i was even capable of loving anymore. and the answer came to me during dinner 2 days ago that yes i am completely capable of loving someone full and well, just not now. because i know if i start to hope for a future with pod then if it doesnt turn out that way i will be crushed so i don't allow myself to hope or feel. i am indifferent and detached.
anyway after all was said and done and i told him i dont plan on any love shit until im 25 he was like ok "what until then?" im like nothing. until then we go on as bffs. if one of us finds love or something before that then great, if not 25 it is.
that reminds me. today at school 2 guys randomly said hi and hello to me out of nowhere unprovoked and i was just like huh?? separately. they were both only passing by me and so i never got to reply back i just stared at them like a deer in headlights like what just happened??
cant wait for tomorrow. i gonna fuck these players up so good they'll never see it coming. poor docile new girl is gonna be so innocent people might think her harmless. hah. little do they know...
-A
YOU ARE READING
Life Of "A"
NonfiksiEver think nobody can relate to your situation? This is my story, and how i thought this so often that i have resulted to writing this. Truths, thoughts, experiences i have, all laid bare and raw. This is A Diary . THIS IS NOT FICTION.
