Life Of "A"

26-4-22 The Big Question

Guess its only appropriate to title the document with the date and practical too. now i know that everyone's on the edge of their seats wondering the big question... WHY? you asking me? how should i know!? oh- oh... you meant... about this- oh ok. uhh so you see, i dont know why, it was sort of an impulse decision. i have an other account on which i used to post some fanfic of a popular series but im not telling you, nauty nauty.  anywayss, so ive kept a few diaries, the first one was when a relative of mine gave me a frozen elsa kit that came with a diary with a lock when i was about 10? around that age. and i vented out my troubles in it. the troubles of a ten year old which included not getting my favourite dinner that day. 

eventually it got discarded or i lost it, honestly no clue, but fast foward to grade 7. ohh hoo hoo, heres the year where shit got juicy. now since i couldnt find a diary with a lock where i lived, i bought a simple diary and DIY'd that shit with a lock. and im proud to say it was quite sturdy and nose proof. get it... cuz like nosy people...? ok, ill stop. also you may wonder, "why all the security A?"  ill tell you why, because my family are a bunch of nosy m- is why. Anyways, what was i saying? right, so when i made this diary it was during my Dork Diaries phase and so i had quite a bit of sketches in there to help visualize and make it fun. besides i love to sketch and draw and anything artsy so it was fun. 

but then it ended up being an overall depressing year with my crush being a complete asshole to me and me feeling like a complete idiot. at this point its safe to say that i feel crushes are absolutely pointless. i mean who even came up with the idea? you basically degrade yourself and your self-respect by becoming a puppy dog/stalker for someone who either doesnt know you exist or if they do, they dont give enough shits about you to bother reciprocating. so yea, i find the entire thing completely bogus. but thats just my humble opinion. you are welcome to indulge in what you like. wow, adhd alert, completely steered off topic there. 

yea so basically i ended up throwing that away too. ohh shit i completely forgot 6th grade. ok so remember when i said there would be tea! this is your first scoop. get some popcorn folks, or dont cuz idk if this is that fun. anywho, so 6th grade! the year it all went downhill and then just kept a stable descent into my current position in life. now most of us remember our first love in an age where we atleast know how the fuck to even handle it, right? but nope, not me. my eager ass was just too impatient. 

now this requires a bit of a backstory into my crush history. First Grade. first day of first grade... yep thats right. it was kiddy love at first sight. i saw this person and i went heart eyes and mind you i was seven. which is hilarious and ironic now that i think about it because the exact same day, the group of 4 kids i was in had a boy sitting next to me who just before recess goes "i love you" and im just sitting there, shocked, everyone's leaving to eat lunch and i walk up to the teacher and tell her what he said. im laughing rn like it was so funny. i cant believe i tattle taled. at this point i dont even remember the teacher's reaction, guess she was unimpressed and just didnt give a fuck lol. 

so the next few weeks my feelings get a bit stronger and... oh my god i was such a schemer since i was so fucking little. so i take a paper, write "i love you" on it maybe i added a heart? i dont remember. and i wait for the teacher to leave and assign the monitor to mind the class and as soon as she does i call the monitor over. i fold the paper and give it to him and say these exact fucking words "hey, give this to him (point at my crush) and tell him to give it to me, but DONT tell him i gave it to you" !!!  you see what i did there!? i thought i was so slick with the way i did it and watched the whole thing go according to plan in my head. the first thing the monitor does is give it to him saying "she gave gave this to me to give to you" i went fucking red! i wanted to die right then and there! it was the worst thing i had ever seen happen before my eyes, the worst words uttered into existence. but there it was, and as my crush unfolded it, saw it, looked over to me.... i dont even have words. truth is i have no idea what happened then. I have repressed most of my childhood, unless a memory resurfaces from here and there. but like it was horrifying and my classmates didnt let me live it down for years, which was fun since we were in the same class until 5th grade, even though my crush left like in 2nd grade.