I no longer feel happy and i fear i may have lost the ability and dont know if i will ever genuinely laugh or be cheerful again. I am constantly on edge and its as if someone stole my smile and downward tilted line in its place. This past few months has made me realize so much yet satisfied me so little. I have now cut ties to my father in terms of wanting emotional validation from him and no longer care to laugh with him/for him or even smile for him. i currently have 2 chocolate doughnuts by my laptop which he must have kept there while i was in the bathroom. today he came to me in a jolly/ joking mood and asked me what sour cream was. as if he could not google it. and in the spirit of no longer wanting to give into this toxic cycle of letting his mood determine mine, i didnt smile, i didnt laugh when i said sour cream is basically sour cream and he found it amusing. i did too seeing his amusement, but i didnt mirror it. i cant. i dont want to. so i didnt. its killing me, but i know its going to be worth it. some people have to learn the hard way.
my mother has had enough of my complaining and sulking around. taking my side and condemning my dad alongside my anger just yesterday morning, by nightfall she had flipped a switch and was over my "shit". but i wont let it get to me. i deserve to express what i feel. My emotions are valid. This is what i chant to myself as a mantra when they belittle my feelings.
im just so over all this. im not even angry or sad anymore. im just tired, the only single thing thats keeping me going at this point is that i have a future apart from them. i have already decided that if i do not get away from them, or if i am not able to. i will kill myself. its a fact. its logical. i cannot live with them after that. if im in a position where i must, then i would rather die. hence the suicide. and i think it should be sleeping pills as i go to sleep. it would be poetic since i love the concepts behind why we dream and i love the entire phenomenon so much. it would be a nice thing to pass away in my sleep.
but for now im not going anywhere. and i cant find the motivation to study. i think im drained so ill just take a few days off stuff and relax. or at least try to.
i finally continued my little sculpture i started back in march. its about3-4 inches tall and its a creature with no face and 2 straight stick like horns sticking out the sides of its head. and its not textured or anything, just plain, terracotta creature with a hunched back. its with a human from as the head is tiled to look in the left direction and its on its knees and fists on the ground, sort of like a gorilla.
i like to believe that its guarding me like... well- a guardian. duh. so that was my day. dont really know what else to do now. ill propably go waste some more time and watch modern family or yt.
Pray for me ya'll.
-A
YOU ARE READING
Life Of "A"
NonfiksiEver think nobody can relate to your situation? This is my story, and how i thought this so often that i have resulted to writing this. Truths, thoughts, experiences i have, all laid bare and raw. This is A Diary . THIS IS NOT FICTION.
