holy shit its been 10 days since my last entry, wow you guys really ought to start reminding me to do this atleast weekly. but honestly sometimes the dark shit that happens is just to hard to recall and relive all over again in order to write it down. but now that ive done started this public charade i feel obliged to continue, for your sanity. and partly my own cuz lets face it my ocd doesnt help when it keeps me up at night reminding me i havent updated here.
ok so on twitter i did another writerslift and now am in the 200s of followers. thank you thank you, i know, nobel prize worthy achievement. oh please, no stop im blushing.
ok but in all seriousness now... wheres me nobel prize?
Ive actually picked up this new thing where im a beta reader. yup. just a few hours ago actually. i found out what it is, got my first read. bascially authors give me their unpublished books to read for feedback. no theres no money involved, at least none that i know of.
oh and yes my plants have been watered. the periwinkle sprouts are going strong and surving at the 100+ degrees weather. and so is my money plant and cuban orageno. very proud plant mama here. my jade did die out but we already covered that i the last entry, right?
i have once again begun working on my fantasy novel series, this time focusing on the history and legends of the land. i have decided to cut down the entire backstory book that was supposed to come out as a side novella after the first book of the series. but now that i have cut down a hundred pages worth of backstory and therefore erased how my main character meets the love of her life, how the fuck and i going to make them meet now? i mean i hop ill come up with something soon but its not looking good. im not goo at thinking of intros. how the fuck do i introduce someone from another dimension to a normal post graduate working girls life!?? any ideas would be deeply appreciated, tho i cant promise ill actually use them.
what else, what lese. ooo! i had a breakdown last week on wednesday. yea it was a proper fucker. 3 hours long with shrill screams , not the loud talking screaming the screaming women do in tv when there falling from the edge of a cliff or getting murdered yea those screams. there was hysterical laughter. and my fucking father's cruel words to top it all off.
not your cup of tea eh? well i dont drink it at all and yet im still being force fed the blistering hot shit down my throat so guess we dont always get to pick.
anyways, i would really love to give you all a lovely detailed story but im too fucking exhausted and its all fairly new so i dont feel like it. but what you might be in luck because i did in a fet of tears and despair yesterday i messeged my friend what did i name her ?? gimme a sec to check. jeez fucking louise. that took longer that i though, id mentioned her in friendly fire and forgotten what her alias was. anyways MAY!! aunt may from spiderman lol. no im kidding. anyways. so i was on the brink of another meltdown yesterday morning and so i knew i hasd to talk to someone or i would end up killing myself with this poor shit. so i texted her everything. which i will now paste here instead of writing about the breakdown.
so these were about 50+ mesgs from me. i did use my name and hers so im editing those out
ok i dont really want to do this , tell this but someone needs to know for my sake. im having breakdowns so frequently now and i dont tell anyone because i font want to be dull and feel like a burden, sure im fun cool carefree "my name" but only to them in chat. i dont know what else to do i would tell pod but he has his own god knows what sutff to deal with, and i dont want to speak ill of him but sometimes the things he says piss me the fuck off, hes so dramatic and talks about his parents giving his older half brother more attention as if its the end of the fucking would and thats his only problem and still somehow hes always depressed like i dont fucking get it and i dont want to say anything cuz id be a bad friend my last breakdown was last wednesday and it was a bad one "her name", the worst ive had in a few years, i screamed, i actually started screaming, not the loud yelling talking you do when your angry, no i let out a loud long shrill fucking screams during it and it even woke up my sleeping grandparents thats how bad it was theres a reason it got to that level but i will save that for later because its more serious and not something i want to just put out there without proper explanations and idk i just feel like im loosing my mind, im a 16 year old girl who isnt god even as i write this there are fucking tears coming to my eyes, its so funny, oh and wow during that breakdown, i was crying, and then i started laughing hysterically, ive done that only a fe times before when im super fucked in the dark end of shit and i just begin laughing, hard like ive lost my fucking mind imagine "her name" imagine not going out of your house for 2 years imagine not talking or meeting with your friends in person for more than 2 years imagine no relatives, no friends just being in your house for 2 years, with noone your age to talk to or god i cant i fucking cant and then imagine seeing insta storied of ur friends filled with hangouts and meets and fun shit as groups imagine never being able to be urself freely and then i come to insta and its a fucking dead zone ha ha look at that tears all over its too funny there is no fucking one there on insta my breakdown lasted for 3 hours no more no less mother tried to help me but failed for the most part condemned me and cursed me after i began screaming things with my father have also been bad heck theyve been the worst ive detached from him completely cut all emotional ties to him its been a while now but that day at the peak of my breakdown i was nearly suicidal, thought of taking my cutter and jabbing it in my fucking arm then ripping it open to let all the fucking blood gush out and fill me i wanted to die so bad i just want the nightmare to be over idk how i controlled myself so i did the mistake of going to my fucking spit excuse of a father and i told him to get me a fucking therapist, that i didnt give a shit how much it cost him, that hes the reason i no longer had friends, because he would never let me hang out with them in malls and shit where they all go regularly and stay in touch. and i said that if he doesnt give a shit about me or me killing myself he can care that a funeral is fucking expensive but i was stupid so so fucking stupid to think that he would careto think that it would mean anything to him, to expect him to care, to give a shit about me for once in his sad pathetic life but no no he instead gets angry at me, tells me its my fault, that i dont deserve anything, that im ungrateful, that im responsible if anything bad happens when im with my friends that im free to go to them in a taxi cuz we dont have a fucking car right now, that my problems dont matter and no im not fucking exaggerating he said it every fucking word he tells me i havent seen anything, that my childhood is better than his, that he is a god. yes he said that that he is a god. i cannot deal with this man. then he threatened to take internet away from me. to cut off my access to wherever im learning this shit this "shit being my behavior "that its not justified the one thing i that keeping me alive and he wanted to cut it off. its like he wants me dead that my problems aren't serious enough, or big enough i began to laugh hysterically again in front of him and the next day he begins to act normal again begins to treat me nice when his mood is nice, and shit when his is shit so i detached further this time i dont give a shit about him anymore, he can die for all i fucking care "her name" please, please help me i try to distract myself i dont let a second of my day be free and not doing something you asked me why i dont take breaks this is why becausse if i am alone or unoccupied for longer than ten second the reality of my situation hits me so fucking hard i feel like doing horrible things all over again and its exhausting im trying im really fucking tryingwhen you complained the other day about not vibing with your friends i though wow, shes so blessed to be around people to call friends, but you were so upset i didnt want to tell you all this at the time and because your problems are justified in your own way, i have been told so many times that my problems dont mean shit that i swear on my life to never make anyone feel that way i cant sleep even my sleep is full of nightmares i wake up with headaches and i cant tell night from day the other day the cashier at our cold store asked if i was my dads sister that how fucking old i look im fucking sixteen i dont want to look that old "her name" i dont know what to do please please please please help me i dont know what to doi have noone literally fucking noone please please i just keep thinking of the way my father my father belittles me and my problems as if its nothing as if im nothing and i cant fucking get over it how did he do it how why why why would you do that to someone you love? he told me my mental health is nothing i cant anymore i want this to end i want it all to end sometimes i wonder to myself, would he cry? if i killed myself? whould he even care? would he even notice? heck it will be once less mouth to feed for him am i right hahaha once less bitching person to take care of im really fucking trying i am i swear to god but he isnt listening god isnt listening to me i know i dont pray but i fucking believe in him, just because i dont fucking pray doesnt mean i dont believe in him or talk to him i doubt hes not there for me anymore well ive got a blocked nose now from all the crying so excuse me while i go fix it
END OF TEXT MESGS
so yea i cant even fucking read any of that shit without being repulsed off or getting triggered and yea. she replied a few hrs later. and i havent replied back. she says she wants to help me, will do anything to help me. but what do i ask? what do i say? what can i ask of her? i dont want to be burden.
i signed up for betterhelp the other day. the therapists app. but i need a fucking guaridan for it and it need payment. i dont have any money. but i the app people were very nice when i told them this and told me about the financial aid, i applied for it and got a good discount i just have to show it to my shit of a father now.
the other day, heck on tuesday night 2 days ago he comes to my room and places a brown sugar cube on my desk. and leaves. what the actual fuck? i threw it in the trash. he can go fuck himself after what he said to me. im done with him. once i leave this house i am leaving his life. and ofc hes being fucking nice now, reverted to his usualy fucking self. pathetic excuse of a man. it makes me want to spit the bitter taste out of my mouth.
anyways. i still fucking depens on him for now. and that means so does the therapy. i dont even want to fucking bother ask him, i dont even want to fucking look at him let alone ask him for any favours. part of me wants to vomit everytime im near him. i tense up and get this hostile look around me, i even caught myself taking a fighting stance the other day. no i didnt pose likw a fucking ninja. but anyways. the other part of me wants to take advantage of him while im here. why the fuck not right? why shoudlnt i get to get what i want? its the least he can fucking do.
so when i signed up for betterhelp teen councelling, they made me put in dads email he uses for school fees and stuff into the payment thingy. he never checks that email so idk. i really dont fucking know what to do. i want this therapy but i dont fucking ;ld;lhgk. god he makes me so fucking angry. thinking of him amkes me want to punch a fucking wall. but unlike a dumb jock i have a few braincells that tell me it wont do me any good.
anyways. my pomes are coming out in a week so thats good. and did i mention i opened up my own art shop? yep i using those sites like shopify and printify to sell shit with art on it. i have a goal to make my first million by the time im 20. i am not high enough to leave sugar daddies out of the options. hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. besides, i like older men anyways. much mroe mature than young dumbfucks.
oo, i finally got to watch mulitverse of madness oh my god. and the theory that we dream of ourselves in other universes. mind fucking blowing. i completely get it. it makes so much sense. like a little too much sense which is freaky but oh well. amazing stuff. also ms marvel. no words. all i will say that theres a reason its the best series marvel has made yet!
oh and what about the job stuff? its going, ive signed the contract, now im just waiting to see what happens next, im gonna email them today to ask whats up and what im supposed to do now sicne i dont actually have an account or im i make on or if ill get one? like how it works.
yikes, i started this an hour ago, got distracted and went on twitter. got another book to beta read, this time paranormal erotical. yea yea im 16 who gives a fuck. if i read all 6 books i get some sort of thanks reward? hope its money.
anyways im too distracted rn to write anymore at the moment. ill see if i forgot something later and write more.
-A
YOU ARE READING
Life Of "A"
Não FicçãoEver think nobody can relate to your situation? This is my story, and how i thought this so often that i have resulted to writing this. Truths, thoughts, experiences i have, all laid bare and raw. This is A Diary . THIS IS NOT FICTION.
