Hiding The Mafia's Son

CHAPTER 47

I MOVED THE Calcifirst tablet around with my tongue, waiting for it to dissolve enough to drink water and swallow it.

I am 5 months pregnant now. Matagal na rin mula nang umalis ako sa poder ni Zykiel. Wala na rin akong balita kay Aki.

I am worried sick but what can I do? It is the life he choose. He choose to be with his father. 

The least I can do now is to wait for him to come to me.

Sa loob ng panahong malayo ako sa piling ni Zykiel ay marami akong napagtanto. Narealize ko kung gaano ako karupok at katanga noong mga panahong kasama ko pa siya. Ang tanging bagay na tamang nagawa ko ay ang magpatawad at hayaan si Aki na makapiling ang kanyang ama. 

The rest? It is all a huge mistake.

Pinairal ko ang emosyon. Mas pinairal ko ang puso na hindi naman dapat. Loving him is a mistake. Hindi man niya ginusto ang paggalaw sa akin noon at napilitan lang siya na gawin ang mga ginawa niya ay hindi no'n mabubura ang katotohanang siya ang nagwasak sa pagkatao at pagkababae ko.

He still impregnated me at a minor age. We were both minors. It was a crime. A crime he should pay.

Loving him is a hypocrisy and is too ironic. Loving him is like implying that I was not a victim at all.

Para bang ginusto ko na rin ang mga ginawa niya sa akin noon.

The Elaina now has no right to decide for the younger Elaina who actually suffered. I have no right to make a decision for my traumatized younger self.

Love is magical. It happens anytime, anywhere and to everybody. But love is not always the answer. It is not enough to win a battle especially inner battles.

I was too young. I was naive and I needed guidance. I was a newly formed fruit who needs nurturing. But everything that was happening around me and was happening to my life back then honed me instead. I relied to the people around me. I was somewhat forced to. Bata lang ako noon at kailangan ko nang makakapitan. Kailangan ko nang masasandalan. Nagkataon lang na walang ibang naroon kundi si Zykiel at si Tita Ella.

Kalaunan, sila na ang naging tahanan ko. The care, kindness, sweetness and love they showed me became what's ideal to me. Somehow, it reminded me of the love my parents and Nana showed me.

They are the only people I am exposed to. Sila lang ang malapit sa akin. Sila lang ang talagang nakasalamuha ko. Si Zykiel lang ang natatanging lalaking nakatibag sa pader na itinayo ko. Hindi nagtagal ay minahal ko na rin siya. 

I only know the love he taught me.

I forgave him so easily because I was too young and I lack of thorough judgment. I was too weak and too soft. I was not an adult. I was just a victim who needs justice and validation for what I have experienced- what I felt. What I suffered and still suffering from the after effect.

No amount of love can make me forget that Zykiel is my rapist.

The warmth and familiarity I felt or I'm feeling toward him is what my naive 'kid' self had for him. This is the remnants of her love.

He made me feel butterflies in my stomach. He made me feel safe. He gave me home. He made me feel loved which I reciprocated. But come to think of it, if he didn't do all that, who would? He knew me. He knew who I was. He knew I was that little girl he gave a promise. That only means he was doing his part of the promise. Besides, he's the one who caused that trauma.

IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL GUILTY, RESPONSIBLE AND OBLIGATED.

Lalo na sinabi niyang hindi niya ginusto ang mga iyon. He only had two options and it is the decision he ended up to.