Avalon

•57•

If Only I Could

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It doesn't hurt me

Mostly Neal hadn't been looking forward to anything joyful soon enough. He was still kinda reeling from all the excitement earlier so sitting here all by himself and holding all the emotions inside felt very bad.

He struggled badly with situations like this. It was something he had been suffering from many years now and he just knew it's gonna last many more.

So far nobody showed that they'd even noticed his location changes and he hoped for the time being he was safe. He did hide deeper into the shadows of the corner his seat was shoved in. It seemed they were so deeply into the events that only after a short pause after last Academy spokesperson was done Peter looked at his CI and smiled quickly, as if saying Neal that things will be okay and he will eventually be allowed to return.

To that the man just grinned back and did a spectacular pretend to sip his juice. It was all his mind could take for one day, the juice came as a great distraction. If he showed anything aside modest interest in the event Peter would be not so happy about his protégé and so wouldn't the rest of the gang.

The whole situation wasn't anywhere safe and after the talk with the stranger guy he realized even more that he'd been right. The Force wouldn't let him stay no matter what.

So far nobody had shown an interest in his persona and they weren't even put the detail for discussion, maybe next time they will, after the initial test period to see if the ''project'' is up for more than one occasion.

Because if they did the showcasing before being sure they'd be all furious.

Furious of him, of his ''earthlings'' and the whole situation, of government, basically anything. That would cause some great mess of the things that would lead to mad amount of trouble to the system. Neal was a victim of this whole situation, trapped between law and a hard place, where he couldn't choose sides nor where he wanted to be.

But has anyone ever asked Neal what he truly wanted? Nobody cared. All his known life there had been something or someone telling him what to do or giving off the ideas, only little of all that he could actually take credit for.

And now, realizing it, he felt like crap. It's been less and less every day he could truly remember of the times long ago, partially what he was grateful for as Mozzie was not there. His long time friend and confidant was gone for so long Neal randomly was praying the little guy would still be alive. After all they'd share a lifetime together and it meant something to Neal.

It was just even more depressing for him to not know where his old friend was hiding and if he was okay or maybe he decided to stay and never left the planet. Another thought that appeared over the time was of the simple possibility that the planet wasn't in such a bad state as it had been said, maybe it was just one of those conspiracy things that went too far for somebody's liking and maybe there was something more political involved. He just knew there was more to the story but until it was fully confirmed he couldn't just throw around ideas like he used to.

But he believed whenever Mozzie was hiding he was okay and on top of his game of mystery and conspiracy like he always was.

You, it's you and me

Neal also was struggling with a lot more than just what it might seem from the outside. And he knew El was possibly onto that until she could do some more. Peter seemed to be holding onto being neutral but wary. Maybe the only ones who got it hidden the best were the agents from their small team, he even suspected Hughes being aware of Neal having issues.