Avalon

•36•

Internal Shadowland

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Musing through memories,

Losing my grip in the grey.

Numbing the senses,

I feel you slipping away.

Fighting to hold on

That was basically all he could hope and prepare for until they actually stepped their feet into the hall. The event was calling together so many high socialites and was held by the high rise of the city. At least that was most Neal knew and cared for. His presence was only asked for because he was within the same newcomer group and they either wanted to showcase how helpful they'd been and supportive of the colony in need. Or they just were eager to rub it in that it's all now about them and for the evacuees to see who's the boss in the house.

Either way Neal wasn't convinced about higher ups' true intentions and motives behind not showcasing Neal as a criminal he was before sudden evac.

His senses and inner Mozzie was screaming of scheming from the government and within the colony itself as it was a member of some Federation that united many galaxy systems and planets into some sort of union that was supposed to have all rules set and regulations in place. In other, or more Mozzie's, words- control over the society.

Big Brother was truly having long reach. Something Neal knew not even him was happy about. Also it was strongly against what Mozzie believed and tried to make Neal see too.

"He's not here, moron," that small and angry, accusing voice inside him protested and he hung his head low, against his chest, in what may have been shame or maybe regret.

Mozzie was somewhere and untraceable. Nobody saw him nor heard. He was like that ghost that kept returning but nobody seemed to be truly aware. He just wished to be told what was going on and how to live the life he just lost to something he couldn't control.

Like something from the deepest layers of his failing brain. Each night there came this inkling of a dream that wasn't really a dream, he suspected, and left residual drops of some darkness he couldn't grasp but always felt inside.

While he rarely allowed anyone to see it in the daylight, Neal Caffrey possessed darkness within. It was deep and violent but also subtle and shy. It only happened to come out when he needed to be saved.

And most likely WitSec did save his soul a bit by dragging his sorry ass elsewhere and giving him new name and family that maybe never truly was his blood relatives. They just kept saying they were but his heart while kind and big enough never felt the connection that way.

He was supposed to be a bad sport and a brat nobody cared about. They tried to break him by giving the shit story about his daddy being the black sheep and killing someone over money because he was just a corrupt cop that got too deep. But something deep inside allowed him to hope it wasn't. That it all was just a bad dream.

That was like millennia ago. It felt just too far back Neal struggled to reach for that.

Like all his memories and emotions were left too far back and he couldn't reach that far away so he just latched the feelings he'd associated with said memories as the only way to tether them.

He never told that to Peter nor June nor anyone.

Almost too ashamed by those weird feelings and strange snaps of something dark. But it wasn't thing he would let out unless there was somebody knowing exactly what it was.

The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear.

When I awake, you'll disappear,

Back to the shadows

His suit was on and he took that long appreciative look at the reflection he was made to see in the damn mirror every day. While he looked pretty much strangers with his nutrition plan and very new to food concept he also lacked some muscle groups too. Which was not what worried the ex-con too much. He knew his body will regain its former glory the moment the gloom will be replaced with something akin to his old life and the spark will return.

But on days like this all he wanted was to disappear into shadows and not be seen. The suit was okay and the lady that tailored it after his measurements did her best. However how one could actually dress up a literal skeleton without it looking too bony was almost impossible so Neal didn't blame her for it lacking the former finesse that once lived in every single piece of clothing he came to own. And maybe the clothes truly carried some part of their wearer soul and that was what he had lost for a while there.

Currently all he wanted was to get through the night and be done. His most prayers went for staying relatively invisible the whole event.

But the fear was real. He was, after all, an unprecedented case of criminal being integrated into a life of a consultant and with his acquired skill set was made to work against his natural instincts. He was what they understood a tamed wild animal so they needed to see that. They wanted to get that note it has worked and that it might work for their society too. Like circus or zoo.

It made Neal sick. He'd seen this shit most of his life and he just knew being successful con artist or thief didn't mean future will not shit in his face. For all he cared he could be still in jail. And as far as he knew from snippets of the grapevine at the office those behind bars and happened to be more like Neal got that ride, the rest of the ones with heavier crimes under their belt got their last meal and perdition for their failed attempts at life.

Neal felt deeply disgusted by the whole thought but without his best ally wagging those bad thoughts and emotions away and distraction worth his brain to get other things to focus on Neal found his mind drifting off to the deep dark alleyways that kept pulling him towards the darkness he's been fighting for most of his life.

Phantom be still in my heart

Make me a promise that

Time won't erase us

He opened his eyes to a knock on the door and almost tripped over his feet while trying to finish up his dressing. He'd lost the time again. Blackouts still happened and he was almost too desperate in his prayers not to be taken out on the stage.