Avalon

•11•

In Retrospect

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He wasn't alone nor he ever should've worry about that.

It was the last and only thing that Neal still could remember from that dream he had years ago. And there was a lot more to it. He never told Kate about his weird dreams and she was so much better off it.

On one hand you could call Neal Caffrey anything that involved criminal activity. However there was another thing you should never call Neal Caffrey- a killer.

The thing was that the kid has always wanted to be a cop. After all his father had been a cop and that was what he aimed to become later in life. And somehow it was the only thing that mattered to the little kid Neal had been roughly thirty something years ago. He was a little boy with a dream big as one can be.

Until the day it became like a curse. According to what information Neal managed to get his father was a dirty cop in the end and people he owed had come to get their pay. And then all hell broke loose with everything Neal knew shattering into million pieces. And with all that his life changed forever. The little boy become someone else and lived a new life until he was eighteen and left it all behind to once again become somebody else. This time someone with an identity he chose himself and equally could live with and feel like his own.

The problem was that Neal Caffrey may have not been entirely brand new. And it was something he tried not to placate all over the place. Neal liked this name and he liked to be this person. Because whatever he had been he eventually realized he was nothing.

Back in the prison cell, after Peter managed to put him inside, Neal happened to have a lot of time for thinking alone and it gave him something a guy like he could only grasp. A thought that occurred only when his mind was forced to become still for a moment. And a moment he entirely had tried to avoid from all his life. Because for all his life he had hated been out of control. That was one thing Peter had not yet come to discover about his friend.

However strange it seemed it was one of those little things.

Neal was an alias. And he has been one all his life. Because when he came to analyze it all he's always been someone but himself. True he always put a part of himself inside whatever alias he was but it was kind of like what Mozzie warned about. Because Neal actually had one more thing Peter did not yet know about.

Neal was special. And in a way it made him pretty cool in some eyes. However it was something close to a curse. The way he could con people and take up any personality was mostly supernatural. He basically changed himself on a whim with little prep beforehand and just jumped to all he was thrown at.

But every time he needed something- an anchor- to attach himself to the other alias- the one that was supposed to be himself.

He needed a token. Otherwise he'd been overtaken by his game alias and he's loose himself forever. A small price for a score like the ones he went for. But without Moz he was nobody. That man has always been there for him through thin and thick. So they stayed together and never left.

Until that one.

Neal sighed as he looked over the city. It was three moons again. Just like every night out here and, yes, it was incredibly beautiful but also so strange.

He still felt odd, but not like sick-odd. Just usual gloom and blue he did feel once in a while.

Nothing like he was few weeks ago (or maybe months?).

He did miss Moz and had no idea where the little man had disappeared to. He just like that vanished and never made a contact again. Which, to Neal, was little bit more weird than what he was used to. Usually the man left some clues so Neal could tell he was okay wherever he was and no worry should be issued over that. But this time it was different. The whole affair was different and that made Neal feel on edge.

He hated to feel on edge. Nothing unusual but it was one of his pet peeves. Or another one.

The truth was that Neal had no memories. He could not save memories unless he took a little bit of his past persona into the new identity. Something close to a weird fugue state. How or why he was like this Neal didn't know. Maybe Ellen knew or his father but it was way too late to ask. Besides it wasn't like he had to remember his past. It was mostly like he wrote a diary and stored it somewhere safe for day too grey to crawl out of yet another trouble.

It wouldn't been the first time.

Yet he always kept one or two files on himself just in case.

Because for one he hadn't figured out a way to recall his other aliases and try to do some actual remembering. Maybe just once more pretending to be that person he would solve it and then there would be no need for paper trail?

It was huge risk. One he had yet to decide if he actually wanted to go along with.

He could always hack into someplace.

Only now he was thrown into a completely new situation without changing his identity. And that alone could've had been a reason for him feeling odd. And maybe it was.

He just couldn't be hundred percent sure. Unlike before now he had to actually try to be the guy he was or this time he will fail absolutely everything.

So he needed to find Mozzie and consult. Even if the little guy was just as unsure as himself he just needed somebody that knew and could figure this out.

Before his WitSec past makes a return and somebody digs out something truly compromising from even before that. Although he longed to hear more about his toddler days. That he always missed. Partly because back then he didn't know about his special-ness. And partly because he had no actual memories from his kid days other than some emotions that tend to pop up randomly.

So far he understood there was just purely memory involved. He simply could forget things but not anything like motor-functional. For example he always knew how to be a criminal man and be a thief or burglar. He just knew how to do all the forgery stuff and likes from pure muscle memory alone and some other internal compartment of his mind that had those collected. Just not the regular, normal memories. Like what his favorite flower was or what his homework had been back in the day.

Just one part of memories he could never keep for real..