Avalon

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Mindful

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Catch me as I fall

Say you're here and it's all over now

Speaking to the atmosphere

No one's here and I fall into myself

This truth drives me

Into madness

I know I can stop the pain

If I will it all away

It will be his last week on the ship. It was like that for the past few years. Every year he spent his deal on different ship however for some years he came upon Enterprise.

Noel wasn't sure of the actual emotion he's feeling about this year but somehow serving on a starship like this was offering some perks he didn't have before.

Like free time and room to lock up and drink and be miserable. Because before he mostly was too much into his own suffering for the love he always thought might be lost and then his painful experience with all kinds of shit from what he suffered after the incident.

Samara wasn't really a love interest for any of them. But some crush Noel couldn't deny right now, many years later. And while it's past long buried Noel still couldn't deal with some of those demons from the times he desperately tried to forget for years.

Serving on a long term expeditory missions for large science starships and sometimes dropping off for a battle shuttle or training missions on side was his life for years now. And for some time it was okay but not anymore.

This Gala event was going to be the one he finally retires this hilarious mission of his own and gets down somewhere.

Possibly finding Nate and convincing him to settle down and be done with the life of shadows.

Sounded like a dream he had years ago when they had one of the chill nights on some random rooftop. When they all were young and careless and drunk and high and sharing some faraway daydreams that was never supposed to come true.

But what happened between them on those nights wasn't supposed to follow any of them. But for him it did.

He never stopped having all those feelings towards his best friend and when it did catch up on him at the end of the day all Noel could do was get high or drunk and pass out until next shift called his name and he got his job taking over every cell in his body.

But now with the Gala coming up and the embankment that's about to happen in like few days. Which felt heavy in his chest and ticklish down his stomach.

But for one Noel Allison was a man of Starfleet, part of military organization, an experienced Air Force test pilot. And men like him were supposed to be strong and relentless. Not miserable and whimpering about old memories and hoping to fall under some phaser shot to spare the depression that always hit hardest upon landing.

Most men onboard were just happy and cheering when it was time to get down. But not Noel. The lieutenant commander of a shuttle and training program and just a helmsman slash navigator cross engineering assistant- helluva titles and still not as much of any crew feelings. Not that Enterprise was a bad starship in crew dynamics but Allison wasn't a regular man among them.

And while they tolerated his presence on the ship he wasn't much invited for social events unless he went to the bar and challenged everyone for some mischief and they all fell down drunk in the end while Allison just got back to his room to get some meds and finish off the night alone and in darkness.

Always with his own darkest thoughts and depression that was getting worse by the end of his usual time.

But this time will be first time in years he'll be actually caring for Gala. Because something made him feel the chance to catch up with Nate was high enough and after the last meeting he couldn't shake off this feeling of some kind. Like a bad fore feeling that usually ended up being some gut feeling of doom that Noel used to have and almost came true every time they were up to mischief. Except for Samara. For that one he never had any foretelling sensation beforehand. And previously he always had those in a way. Just not that once.

As for this time it was getting harder to tell due to the general downfall of the lieutenant's health and general mental health. Which Noel was too aware therefore he still dreaded anything to come especially medicals.

He was long due for another evaluation by every single doctor and medical personnel out there just to get paper that said he still has broken- well shattered had been original term- back and part of neck. Well honestly half his body had been broken and shattered and badly damaged. But he made out alive and learned to walk some. Fleet said it was enough for some minor position on exploration ship and maybe occasional shuttle. Nate would be proud, at least he hoped the other man would.

I'm frightened by what I see

But somehow I know

That there's much more to come

Immobilized by my fear

And soon to be

Blinded by tears

I can stop the pain

If I will it all away