Avalon

•30•

From Depths

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•• No matter how many times that you told me 

you wanted to leave

No matter how many breaths that you took, 

you still couldn't breathe

No matter how many nights that you'd lie wide awake 

to the sound of the poison rain •••

Neal once again stared at his haggard face in the now cracked mirror. That was one moment of frustration that had build up from his battling emotions. His hand was secured and hidden and a cover story was barely needed as the case had taken Neal out in the field for the first time in months and he got to bask in the oldest flames of all for whole twenty minutes before he flew through another glass and landed on hard ground with less flourish he once used to.

It took only two seconds to remove the gauze and blend it all with fresh cuts and bruises. All to avoid Peter staring like distrustful puppy all day long at him from across the hall or worse from above the bullpen.

While Neal wasn't that evil he got easily annoyed by the agent. That amount of mother-hening he could only take from El and she wasn't even allowed near him. Yet.

He'd spent so many months telling himself it's just temporary and when all the legal was done with and any loose ends tied and evaluation behind he'll be back.

Now he could only pray.

Too much time has gone by and the hope was slipping away by each second.

With certain stiffness to his movements Neal managed to put himself inside the fancy suit that came mere hours ago. The person who brought it to him only said that it will be worth it all before disappearing in a blink of an eye. So Neal just sighed and put it inside the tiny closet among the same stuff he's been wearing for the time being when his presence wasn't supposed to be public.

His meager possessions didn't sound flashy nor actually anything noticeable. Even the shampoo and soap wasn't his own.

•• As days go by, the night's on fire •••

He placed his accessories and other details to his looks and judged his appearance in the broken mirror for good enough time trying to wrap his mind around the fact he was going to an event he wouldn't really be allowed back in NYC and if he was then only if Peter was needed to be there.

Otherwise he'd be sneaking inside with Mozzie. That was a fun way but somehow he just this once felt like maybe he did deserve to be in such event just by being allowed in without any monitoring and that maybe just this once he could pretend for split second that he was like the honorable members of the society and was wanted among the noble.

Funny how things like this could either build or destroy someone's confidence and all the self-worth existing. It made chills run over Neal's shoulders just from mere afterthought.

He never felt like he deserved anything to begin with. His life was ruined early on by his so called father and from then on he felt like spiraling down some dark hole.

Only Mozzie felt like savior when they met and found each other as wonderful companions and allies in vast amounts of shenanigans they concocted together. It was life worth living for and it was just a part of what Neal's past stood for.

For one he was some kind of neglected child whose father turned out ass. And while the boy longed for that part of his childhood as any kid would he was relieved in the end.

Such fathers shouldn't be allowed to be out there. And now he knew why. Everything that transpired in that short time before everything went down the shithole.

And from that day there's little for Neal to reminisce anymore.

However, and there was this one extremely tiny black spot in his mind, Neal started to loose the confidence he always had about his past. It had started while ago. Still on Earth. Well, actually, for the first time Neal had his mind breaking after whole Kate incident. After the plane exploded and his heart broke something else inside him broke as well.

The days after the hell broke loose and he was still in heavy grief and denial the prison cell felt like a barrier between his broken heart and blackness looming from the cracks deep in his mind. Something dark was seeping through the cracks in his mind smearing black marks all over his consciousness and slowly ripping apart his sorrowful heart.

It took all his time in jail to regain control over that deep dark feeling. He struggled so hard to tame all that void trying to break him apart and completely overwhelm him with fierce darkness that felt way too powerful and Neal knew if he let it all wild he'll loose everything.

And it was scary. Terrifying to no end. Because whatever it was it was deep within himself and he didn't even know it before.

And he kept it secret even from Mozzie knowing full well how the little guy would take it. Well, no surprises there either. After all the years spent together and still not sharing every secret or any piece they wanted to keep to themselves.

Yet they shared something unexplainable and never spoke about it.

And Neal didn't feel the need to. While he sensed the suspicious man with mother hen syndrome towards Neal would become something else had Neal told about his darkness.

He knew for sure Peter would freak out and El would probably just be El with worry in her eyes but warmest of hugs at ready. However it wouldn't help him either.

Once he's sensed it there was no turning back. Something long time ago suppressed was peaking through the cracks and he could do absolutely nothing at all. Nothing there could save him if it all broke out and consumed his being. Yet it was somewhat comforting that maybe if situation called for it that thing would be able to save him from prison and even death if it became that dire.

So he tried to push all the turmoil far away and lock it behind that lock he'd kept it for countless years. He'd done jail for that term and even then despite whatever was going on on the inside nothing ever was seen on the outside. Just like always. Deflect, distract, weasel out of all trouble. Whatever everyone knew about Kate was something else. Nobody knew stuff he did. Even Keller who sometimes pulled Neal's leg over falling for the girl. Whatever was messed up originally was past now and Neal had Gala to get ready for. All he was hoping for was that whatever was plaguing his subconscious wouldn't come out at the worst moment.

•• No matter how many deaths 

that I die I will never forget

No matter how many lives 

that I live, I will never regret

There is a fire inside of this heart 

and a riot about to explode into flames •••