Avalon

•35•

Reminisce

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We tried to run, we tried to hide in fear of losing ourselves,

We tried to keep it all inside so we don't hurt someone else,

When all the demons come alive I'll still be under your spell,

This could be heaven or hell

••••••••••••••

It felt like forever for Nate to begin the whole prepping process. Roland was calling him almost nonstop with so many questions and warnings he barely was able to file them away to leave room for his own planning.

He'd done the whole thing long ago, while scouting the place and observing the area and stuff, but putting down his points once more made him feel more centered and calm and made the process easier.

He also had to make room for backup plans for his and the group's backup plans so it was more intricate than anyone would suspect.

They will have one last meetup three hours before the thing was supposed to go air and it was making Nate nervous. Some foreboding feeling made his skin crawl and hairs on his arms stand.

But he was slowly going to his plan points and that unfortunately also included his treatment session. Just in case he'd take extra meds and one more nebulizer before the meetup and for safety measure there will be included two inhalers as well. He already put his clothes down and packed his runner's backpack. There was possibility that he'd had to shed his coat or something so he had another layer folded just in case. He specifically chose thrifted coat that he'd not miss and for sure he kept his undergarments ready for flight.

Black slacks that were form fitting and a turtleneck, also black. He chose black furry waistcoat under which the flat bag with his stuff will be hidden. The boots were classy and presentable while feather light and comfy.

For once he'd comb his hair and style his curls into more presentable fashion.

Also he prepared lots of hidden pockets and extra pockets for stuff he might need to keep closest.

That also meant he'd keep his meds on his person at all times.

The prep also included tryouts during the week before and luckily everything on him will go along and not seep out his energy.

But one thing concerned him the most was his health. His lungs in particular. Tone was running out faster than he could afford.

Last week he noticed his oxygen levels were much lower than two weeks before and small decline about a month before that. Breathing was becoming harder task but luckily the planet wasn't that hard handle. The atmosphere was easier than it used to be on Earth so he realized he most likely would be suffocating by now on his birth planet. Which didn't make it easier to accept.

His time was running out and he was scared like never before. Maybe because it was his own life.

And when the push became a shove he knew this was his only chance to make it through enough to find Noel and spend his last moments with him.

He loved the man with all his heart so being in this situation was making it harder. Mostly because he knew the love was double sided. Noel loved him back just as much.

Which was what he feared the most. For that man's sake foremost. Because to live the sad miserable life without the love of his life beside was something everyone deep down feared the most. Lonely, empty life that led to self destruction because the only reason to live happily wasn't there- that wasn't what he wanted neither for himself nor Noel. Anybody actually, at this point.

So he had to make it no matter what it cost. He'd die happy if he'd die in his love's arms and the rest wouldn't matter. Noel once made it clear he didn't want to leave him alone at his last moments even if that meant loosing him. He'd said that he'd be happy to be the last Nate saw and while it would hurt him badly he'd be cherishing that moment until his own life ceased to exist. Preferably if they'd die together in each other's arms but either way he'd feel Nate was safe.

Sure Nate knew of Noel's problems. He was once paralyzed from that terrible incident that led to all their miserable state, but the guy took it to the level he was spiraling out of control. Samara knew it all along he was the self destructive type. She told Nate that they must not be separated because it would lead to Noel killing himself. Maybe not in direct suicidal way but definitely with something depressing.

Back then the guy already showed signs. Whenever they'd gather for drinks he was unstoppable and impossible to outdrink. Which scared Nate.

Now that so much time has passed he did fear that. If the last time was anything to go by.

He knew that on the long space travels he'd be wallowing in guilt and depression like it was his skin. And Nate knew he was drinking even harder. Which worsened his already bad health. And not just plain drinking. He was on heavy narcotics for the pain and other stuff to keep him moving.

They didn't get regular education but he knew enough of medicine and science to tell Noel was in deep shit. Even if they managed to get him stable enough to function independently he was still treacherous.

The threat of loosing to his injury was always looming over.

That scared Nate shitless.

Basically both of them were super terrified to loose to their health issues because it would mean to loose each other.

So he made his plans for all occasions he could come up with. Because he did not trust Roland a hair length and that was something he knew to keep in mind.

So there he was with his plans and stuff and getting a moment for his declining health, all the while knowing and keeping it real. Anything still could go wrong at any point either because the men decide to ditch him with the stuff or his lungs giving him hard time. Hell, even his heart may just as well be done with him. Or he may see someone and get distracted. Still too many ways to fail and loose. Despite all his careful planning and all.

So he didn't get up his hopes and kept to reality. Being realistic was best in this case. He couldn't just sail through a heist like happy-go-lucky and believe that it would never stand a chance to fail miserably.

Nope, that was never him. Samara was the optimist one and Noel used to be opportunistic kind. But that was before. After was just him and all the shit that could go wrong because he lived to see it happen and suffer consequences.

Not just him.

He once let his guard down and it burned them all. Guilt he'd live with till his last second no matter what they said. None could change his feeling. Same as turn back the time and fix it.

Maybe it was for best. Nate's been often pondering all the what if's and whatnots which always led to one- it's what it is and better be smart now than loose even more.

So many times he'd been back to that day and moment and they couldn't do anything better than what they did aside not going there. But what would one expect from bunch of teens growing up in a battlefield train camp? They all came from the same place and experienced same shit. They'd been together through thick and thin and came out shiny. Heck they even escaped that hell and went on shenanigan filled years before one misstep took them all apart and left two of them carrying the guilt and consequences on their skin to the rest of their lives.

So he just knew he had to keep pushing on until he made it. Even if it was for just a moment.

•••••••••••••

I've got the same deep wounds as you,

My love can double as a weapon too

Say that you trust it and I'll set it free,

Turn it back on me