PARADISE OF THE DEVIL (GONCALVES 1)

Chapter 39

Losing loved ones, and having to send them to the other side, to the place where you didn't exist, made it more painful especially when you were still in the process of acceptance. Losing was not enough... 'cause also you had to bear the part where you let them go, turn your back, and acknowledge the fact that they would never come back.

It was impossible as though you were forcing yourself to find air to breathe underwater. It was like waiting in the middle of the road soaked in an unending rain under thick dark clouds looking for the sun. It was like searching for compassion in all coldness.

Warm fingertips slid into my palm, and there I saw Jair on my left. He squeezed my hand and gave me a soft smile before he let go. It was short but it stood as a reminder that I wasn't alone, he was there, the rest of my family was there and my friends, and I was still living in the same space with the people I still cared for.

I looked around. I was comforted with the sight of the people who were here to send my father. He'd got a lot of friends and I didn't even realize it until now. I wish his happy wherever he was now and he'd be at peace.

"I have to leave with Lilia back to Manila," paalam ni Jair nang palabas na kami ng cemetery.

"Sana hindi nyo na hinintay. Nakakahiya at gagabihin si Lilia pauwi. Mas kilala mo ang Mom nya kesa sa akin," nag-aalalang sagot ko sa kanya.

"She'll be fine," he said nonchalantly.

Hindi ako naniwala sa kanya kaya kay Lilia na ako lumapit at nagpasalamat sa oras nya dito. Nag-aalala ako sa kanya at nahihiya na rin kahit na matalik na kaming magkaibigan.

"I'll see you," she said and then hugged me.

Pinanuod kong pumasok si Lilia sa loob ng sasakyan nang tumabi si Jair sa akin. Binalingan ko sya na may pagtatanong sa mukha. Kailangan na nilang umalis ni Lilia.

Ngumuso nalang sya bigla kaya nagtaka ako. "I should hug you, too."

Napailing ako atsaka tinulak sa pinto ng driver seat. "I'll see you on Monday."

"You should get back to work tomorrow, Ms. Leones," he ordered in a serious tone when he turned to me again.

"Sabi mo sa Lunes na kami bumalik ng kapatid ko," pabalang na paalala ko sa kanya.

"Nagbago ang isip ko," aniya.

"Hindi mo na pwedeng bawiin ang sinabi mo na," naiinis na saad ko.

Suminghap nalang sya at walang nagawa kundi ang pumasok ng sasakyan. Kumaway ako sa kanila at nang makaalis ay lumapit ako kina Mama para umuwi na din kami. Nagsiuwian na rin ang mga naghatid ng libing ni Papa.

The house was so spacious, silent, and empty when we arrived. This was the reality, this was the time when it would really strike that something was lacking, a space that should be filled. Exhaust caught us, and it felt like everything was moving slowly.

My mom sat on the empty sofa so I joined her. Carmi was sleeping on my sister's shoulder so they went upstairs. Nagpalitan kami ng malalim na hininga ni Mama, parehong pagod kahit na pagsalita.

Ilang minuto ang nakalipas nang tumayo si Mama at tinanong ako kung ano ang gusto kong kainin. Wala akong ganang kumain at siguro maaga akong matutulog ngayon.

"Ako na dito, Ma," presenta ko. Baka magising mamaya si Carmi at gutumin, iinitin ko nalang ang natirang ulam kanina sa pananghalian. Hindi na nagpumilit si Mama at iniwan ako sa kusina.

Narinig ko ang ilang yapak pababa ng hagdan. Sinamahan ako ni Isla sa kusina habang umiinom sya ng fresh juice.

"Tulungan mo nga akong kumbinsihin si Mama, Ate na sumama ng Manila sa atin," ani Isla.