PARADISE OF THE DEVIL (GONCALVES 1)

Chapter 23

It was past 11 p.m. and I was on the road. Jair failed to convince me to stay longer. If I stayed, I might change my mind. I wanted him but I had to draw a line for myself.

Also, it was really good to not see each other that much. I wanted to see him as much as I wanted but it was not going to be healthy for me. I had other important things to think and do than seeing and having sex with him.

When I reached home, the room was quiet and dark. I went straight to the kitchen to drink a glass of water before I dropped my body on the sofa. I rested my back and closed my eyes.

Sobrang inaantok ako kanina sa byahe pero mukhang nawala lahat pagkarating ng bahay. O siguro ang dami lang talagang tumatakbo ngayon sa isip ko. Marami akong katanungan pero hindi ko magawang matanong at marami akong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko masabi.

Wala ako sa posisyon at wala akong karapatan. Ayokong umintindi at gusto kong magdemanda. Gusto kong gawin kung ano man ang gusto ko at malayang makapagdesisyon. Kahit naman na pareho ang maririnig kong sagot galing kay Jair ay gusto ko pa ring masabi ang totoong nararamdaman ko.

I felt like I wasn't allowed to speak of my real feelings and I was chained to concealing it in order to handle all my responsibilities accordingly.

I even had no time to weep and make this a big deal. Everything was just in my head going on and on and I couldn't stop. All I could do was hope I didn't explode.

I stood up and decided to take a bath. I let the water fill the tub as I took all my clothes away. I liked soaking myself in the bath whenever I had a hard time sleeping. After I tied my hair into a bun, I poured my liquid soap into the water.

When the tub completely filled up with water, I quickly stepped into it. Slowly, the cold water ran to my nerves like lightning. I set the water hot but it was too cold for me and it was too late to back out.

I slowly rested my back against the cold tub and already had my playlist on. I usually spent an hour to relax myself and letting all the the bad energy repel my body, soaking in the bath. I thought I should be happy that I saw him today but I was instead hurt.

Pero hindi na dapat ako nagulat pa. Alam ko namang kaakibat ng pagmamahal ay kirot. I admitted... I might not just like him, it was deeper than like and pleasure. It was a combination of love that I am aware of... It was the love where the affection to a friend and to a family met.

I wished he was here with me right now. I wished he was bathing with me and we'd kiss and then become one. I wished we could be living under the same roof... I wished he could be my best friend, my family, and my significant other.

I kept wishing and thinking of the possibilities. But the images, the pictures I drew in my head remained unpainted. And then popped like bubbles one by one as the bubbles around me, embraced my body less in number.

The next morning, I woke up with a knock on my door. I opened it and saw my sister with a backpack, smiling so big. Sinira nya ang tulog ko kaya hindi ko magawang suklian ang ngiti nya sa akin. Tumalikod ako at bumalik sa kama ko para ibagsak ang sarili pabalik at planong dagdagan ang tulog.

"Ate, may dala akong strawberry cake," aniya.

"Did you waste money?" I asked.

"Binili ni Henry para dalhin ko dito atsaka may pinadala din si Mama na strawberry at ube jam. Nandun sa kitchen at kumakain na sina Ate Rach at Kuya Joerex," kwento nya.

"May birthday ba?" sarkastiko kong tanong.

"Hindi naman kailangang magbirthday para magcake, Ate," sagot nya.

"Allergic ako sa strawberry," sagot ko nalang kahit pareho naman naming alam ni Isla na hindi.

"Ate, sabi ni Ate Rach ay lalabas tayo. Saan ba?"