Life is but a Fiction...

34 - I fell in love

Next thing I knew, I was back in Zacky’s room, in panic. 

“Please, talk to me.” He was standing outside. I locked myself in his bathroom. 

“Leave me alone, please, I don’t want to fight again.”

“I didn’t make the decision.” He said.

“I know, but I need some space.” I was crying. 

Jess knocked on the door a few minutes later. 

“Open, it’s me.” She said, I did and she entered. 

“I want to go home. I can’t stay here.” I said to her.

“Talk to him, please, he feels bad about it. He didn’t want this.”

“But it’ll happen anyway.” 

“They don’t have much of a choice given the circumstances. ” She said.

“Jess, he still has a picture of her in his nightstand’s drawer. He still loves her. I think I’m in love with him.”

“Oh… Have you talked to him about it?”

“No… I’m packing my bag. Will you come with me?” 

“Yeah, I’ll go get my stuff in Brian’s room.”

“Brian’s room?” I raised my eyebrows.

“I know how it sounds. We just talked and slept. Michelle was in the guest room and I had nowhere to go. He had an air mattress for me.”

“Okay, you don’t need to explain to me.”

“I’ve learned my lesson with Johnny. Not doing it again. I’ll go get ready. But please talk to him. Tell him how you feel, it’s not fair if he doesn’t know.”

“Yeah, I’ll do it.” 

All of the guys had reunited with Val and Gena in the living room twenty minutes ago, discussing the surgery Val was gonna have in a few weeks at the same time the tour was beginning. She would have to let someone else manage the band while she recovered, which was for a month. They were debating or should I say arguing about whether or not Gena would be managing since she already knew how to do it. They already started looking for a replacement manager since the band was getting big, but they needed someone used to it on such a short notice. Zacky and Jimmy voted no for obvious reasons and the others agreed to have her do it under the condition she wouldn’t cause any drama like she did yesterday. She apologized with puppy eyes, but I didn’t believe anything she was saying. So now I had to deal with the fact my date would have to see his ex everyday for a month while on tour. Yes, the ex he obviously still had feelings for, hence my freaking out. 

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, same place she was yesterday. Zacky came and sat next to me. 

“Are you okay?” He asked me.

“No. I am not.” I shook my head. “I have to go. I have classes and work tomorrow.” 

“Ali, you can leave later, I wanna spend time with you today. Work can wait. Please. Don’t do this.”

“I still have to make it in the tattoo industry. You’ve got your career all planned ahead of you, you’re successful. I’m just not there yet, I am not essential for any of them out there. I can’t wait forever here putting my life on hold until you’re sure about me.”

“Ali, I am sure about you.”

I got up and went to grab the picture of them smiling at the camera. I placed it in his hand.

“I love you. Okay? I said it. I fell in love. But I’m not sure you can say the same.” The tears were rolling down my face.

“I didn’t open this for weeks. I didn’t even remember I had this picture in there.”

“She showed me the second I got here last night. Must mean something. She’s not delusional, Z. She’s hurt. I know you don’t want to take her back, but you still love her. You don’t look at me the way you looked at her yesterday. And I can’t sit around for someone who doesn’t want me as much as I want them.”

“So, you’re leaving me?” He said. 

“I hope this is not goodbye forever Z. But until you still have her in here…” I placed my hand on his chest. “I can’t be with you.” 

“If this isn’t goodbye forever, it sure feels like it.” He slammed the door on his way out and I cried for a moment.

I went through the drawer, found a notepad and a pen. I started to write a message for him, when he would be ready to read it…

"I don't know how to start this… I'll try to keep it short. The past few weeks have been incredible until last night and I want you to know that I fell in love with you. I love you, Z. I'm sorry that I left, but I had to. I want you, but I want all of you. I know you can't give me that right now, I know you're still hurting and that's okay. I can't blame you for having a broken heart that is healing. But I don't wanna be suffering while it does. I don't want to feel like an option. I don't want to feel insecure like I have. I don't want to pick fights over my insecurities, so I guess I have some work to do too. I have to find myself, who I am outside of a relationship… You have been nothing but a blessing to me since I met you. Come meet me when the time is right. I don't want this to be a goodbye. I already miss you. Cali girl xxx" 

I detached the note from the pad, folded the paper, wrote his name on it and put it underneath the lamp on the nightstand. 

"Meet me outside please" I texted Jimmy as I wiped my tears from my cheeks.

I left the house without saying goodbyes. Jimmy was standing next to my car. 

"What happened?" He asked.

"I broke things off with him, whatever it was." I bursted into tears. 

"I'm so sorry." He whispered while giving me a hug. 

"Can you tell him later when he's ready that I left him a message underneath his lamp on his bedside?"

"Will do. I'll come visit you next week if you want to. Before we go on tour." He suggested. 

"That would be nice. Say bye to the guys and Val for me please." 

Jess arrived, Jimmy gave her a hug and we left.