Baby Face

Nineteen

Harper

"..So Harper, what are you hoping to achieve after today's session?"

I shrug. I didn't know, I don't think I even need therapy so why would I hope to achieve anything?

Harry insisted he'd sit in with me but I told him no, if he wanted me to do this it had to be alone.

"Okay, do you think you need therapy?"

I shake my head. "I'm fine,"

"Define fine,"

I frown. "Huh?"

"You said you're fine, tell me what fine is."

I sit silent.

"98% of the people that come in here and sit in my office tell me they're fine, I always find it interesting, have you ever thought of what fine means? What fine is?"

I shrug. "Guess not,"

"People think fine is a safe word, they think that if others think they're fine that it makes it okay, they think being fine is a great way to cover their true feelings, yet no one can ever tell me the definition of it."

I sat there stumped, she was right. But of course I'm too stubborn to admit that. I shrug again. "I don't know, it's just how I feel.. fine."

"I'll set you a challenge. You're not allowed to say you're fine whenever someone asks you how you are. Its a great way to open up, tell people how you feel. Try it."

I swallow. "Okay,"

"So Harper, how do you feel?" She asks again.

I sigh. "I'm.. I'm f-"

She raises her eyebrows.

"I'm.. still trying to work out how I feel."

She nods. "Better, what is it that makes you feel so confused?"

"The loss of my baby, the feeling of loss altogether,"

She smiles. "Even better. Loss is a hard subject, it's difficult to go through. We all handle loss differently. How do you handle it?"

"By staying in bed, shutting everyone out."

"And would you say that that is healthy?"

I shake my head. "No, but I wish it was."

"Of course, we all need time to shut off, time alone.. it's just when you have too much of that, that's when it's unhealthy."

Man she's good.

"I guess.."

"You guess?"

"I.. don't know what else to say,"

She smiles, "That's okay,"

For the rest of the session we tip toe around the subject of the accident but she doesn't push me and I like that.

. . .

"How was it?" Harry kisses me as I walk in the door.

"Fi-great, she's a good therapist," I smile.

"Cool, I'm going for lunch with Gem and Lou, want to come?"

I shrug. "Sure,"

"You feel okay?" He asks carefully.

"I feel.. content," I smile. "I want to come,"

. . .

"..So in the end I just died it brown and told her to leave her hair alone," Lou rolled her eyes as she told us a story about a difficult client she had recently.

"Nightmare," Gemma shook her head.

I smile eating the fish I'd ordered, it was really quite nice even though I'm not a fan of fish I wanted to try something different.

"So," Harry smiles, "Gemma and I were talking on the phone this morning and we thought about taking a holiday together, you'll have your ankle support off, Lux and Sienna will be off for summer holidays soon.. it'll be cool,"

"Who would it be?" I ask interested in this, a holiday would be perfect.

"Me, you, Sienna, Gemma, Lou and Lux. Niall would probably come too because I can't be surrounded by women the whole trip,"

I laugh kissing his cheek and I realise it's the first time I've showed him affection like this in public in a long time.

"Liam and Sophia will be away, Louis will be god knows where so Niall is likely to tag along," Gemma couldn't have said it better.

"And Zayn?" I ask. Lou and Harry look at each other as Gemma sips his drink. "What?" I ask innocently, like there was a secret I didn't know about.

"Haven't spoken to him," Harry admits. "Not since.." I see him try to work it out. "Christmas? I think,"

"I wished him happy birthday," I add in.

Harry bit his lip. "I don't know if I did or not,"

I sigh. "You should really get in touch, at least a hi,"

Harry shrugs it off and I knew he didn't want to talk about it any more so I changed the subject. "Sienna's asked me if she can join an athletics club outside of school,"

And with that everyone forgot about the awkward topic of Zayn.

. . .

"Do you really want to go on a holiday?" Harry asked later that night in bed.

"Of course, why wouldn't I want to?"

He shrugs tracing my lips with his pointer finger, I make him jump by trying to bite it and we both laugh.

"I've missed that laugh," Harry admits quietly, brushing some hair behind my ear.

"Me too,"

"I've missed you,"

"I'm here," I smile. "Always have been,"