Rêveries

Chapter 93.

I started counting down the days until I got to take the cast off. I was going insane and my mood wasn't getting better at all. In fact, it was getting worse. Everything pissed me off. Everything made me upset and frustrated. Charles went to Hungary, and he left me with my mother because she was going home, since Dad had been alone for long enough, and my cast was coming off. She could go back to Sweden. But Charles felt like I should spend more time with her before she goes.

Why didn't he just admit that he was getting sick of helping me with literally everything?

Ahead of the weekend, I called Alex. It was time to tell him before it was too late that I wasn't going to come back. He had to find a new partner. It was selfish of me to hold him up, because he was waiting for me to come back, and I sat there knowing I wouldn't.

So I called him, and I told him, starting to cry before I could get it out. I cried, and I apologized for not telling him right away. I cried to the point where my mom came into the room again, worried I was having another anxiety attack. She called them panic attacks, but they were never panicked before I realized I was struggling to breathe.

Alex was very understanding, he was of course very upset that I couldn't compete, but he wasn't upset with me for not telling him earlier. Instead he calmed me down, along with my mother sitting next to me, before he planned what our next step would be, if we would tell people sooner or later. We figured it was better to put out a statement from us, from me, rather than waiting until people started speculating more and coming to conclusions after the cast was off.

A post on our Instagrams would go up at the same time on Monday morning, and when I had calmed down, Emma helped us put it together.

"Firstly, we want to thank you for your support following the tragic accident and injury. It has been hard, but I'm getting back on my feet. Alex and I are truly thankful for the support we've had from everyone during our time dancing together, and we are endlessly proud of what we achieved together. It truly was some of the best moments in my life. Unfortunately, our ways will part here, as I, upon my doctor's advice, will retire from competitive dancing. It pains me that the career we had just started together is already over, but I'm forever grateful for the opportunity to dance with Alex as my partner. I know he has many more wins to come, and I will always be one of his biggest fans. Thank you Alex, thank you to Lena, and thank you to all of you! I had the time of my life!" I wrote, while Alex wrote basically the same thing, but from his perspective, announcing my retirement.

The photo was from our first championship win. I was in my yellow dress, there was confetti flying all around us, and we're both happy with our trophy between us. I loved that photo so much, and it made me sad just watching it. Even after hanging up with Alex that night I cried uncontrollably in my mom's lap. Pascale came in with water, stressing about how I had to drink water with how much I was crying.

Later in the evening, I had finally stopped crying uncontrollably. But I felt paralyzed. I was so sad, my whole body was aching, and there was an occasional tear slipping through the corner of my eye while I just stared at the sky through the window. I couldn't get myself to do anything else but lie there and breathe. I was exhausted, and I was in pain. How much pain could I feel about this? Why couldn't I just be over it? Find something new and move on. But I couldn't. Nothing felt worth it. Nothing was fun enough, nothing was good enough, nothing was me enough. My mom tried to give me suggestions, but everything sounded horrible. Horrifyingly bad.

Pascale came in to check on me. She opened the door and softly said my name. I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone, and my back was facing her, so I could get away with pretending to sleep. She closed the door and I heard her talk again.