Rêveries

Chapter 19.

Evie and I went to my room. We showered and then sat in pajamas in my bed, watching a few episodes of Gossip Girl. We heard Arthur get in, because we heard an argument break out into the kitchen. I understood every word of it, but Evie kept saying things like 'I wonder what they're arguing about' but I just shook my head and motioned with my hand that it's whatever. But Charles was telling Arthur about how disrespectful Valerie was being, especially to me, but we had all lost Jules and had to be reminded that his birthday is coming up. Arthur kept saying that Valerie meant well and didn't think it would be a sensitive topic. Charles replied with scoffs. Even Pierre stepped in and said that it was disrespectful of her to bring up something personal to me when we clearly weren't close. Arthur kept getting upset until he stormed off.

I silently began to cry while I listened to them. I wiped the tears off my face and prayed that they'd go away. Evie realized after a while and without saying a word, she made me lean into her and then lay down in her lap. I continued to cry while she stroked my hair, sometimes scratching my scalp.

Charles and Pierre came into the room, bringing me and Evie some ice cream and a cocktail each. I know it was Pierre's idea because I know Charles wouldn't think of getting me alcohol. They're pink and even have umbrellas in them. They put the tray down in bed and I expect them to piss off and let me sulk and cry alone with my human estrogen pill, but they push us to the middle of the bed and get into the bed with us.

"What are we watching?" Pierre asks, putting his arms behind his head.

"Gossip Girl," Evie says, looking behind her at him, thinking he'll think it's too ridiculous and get out, but they stay sitting there, looking at the screen. I sit up to eat my ice cream and when I'm done with it I lean back on the headboard next to Charles. He moves me to his shoulder so that he can keep playing with my hair the way Evie had done.

This. This is the reason we cried for Charles when we were upset as kids. He has always been the best comforter, ever.

They don't complain about the show once. They sit there watching it with us, for two, maybe three hours until Pascale comes home and wants help with dinner. Charles tells me to stay up here and he'll tell her I don't feel good, but I don't want her to know about what happened so I shake my head and get out of bed. Charles stops before the door and turns to me. He grabs my head and holds it still in front of him before running his thumbs under my eyes. He puts some hair behind my ear before nodding and opening the door. Evie and Pierre come out behind us and Evie shows up next to me, grabbing onto my hand as she looks at me with wide excited eyes. I furrow my brows at her and then she mocks putting hair behind her own ear and I scoff before slapping her arm.

"Jag säger bara att det jag personligen hade fått fjärilar i magen, varför du inte fick det är beyond me," I'm just saying that personally I would get butterflies, why you didn't is beyond me, she says motioning around dramatically with her hands and I can't help but laugh at her. It's hard to not laugh at her when she's acting all baffled about it.

"Du satt på en annans axlar idag, du har väl haft fjärilar hela dagen," You sat on another's shoulders today, I guess you've had butterflies all day, I tell her with a chuckle.

"Men lägg av," oh stop it, she says as she nudges my shoulder and walks past me into the kitchen where Pascale is unpacking grocery bags.

We help her with dinner and we set up the table outside. She tells us we all look horrible and honestly, we do after the day so she sends the boys up to shower and us to change while she finishes up. We all showered and got dressed. Both of us put on flowy skirts with big sweaters to not be cold when sitting outside as the sun went down. The boys came down in their shorts and loose button-ups with rolled up sleeves. Arthur didn't want to look at me as he came downstairs and it was evident to the whole table that he was avoiding me. It upset me, but I tried to ignore it as best as I could. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had overreacted and made it difficult for Arthur without reason. Pascale asked Evie and Pierre a bunch of questions during dinner so Arthur, Charles and I mostly sat quietly and for the first time in my life, I couldn't stand it.

After dinner we helped take everything inside and Arthur kept avoiding me, which Charles seemed to tell him off about. I saw Charles grab his arm and tell him something with a serious face before Arthur looked over his shoulder at me. I don't think I've ever been worried about our friendship, ever, because there is no way we'll be able to not stay friends after all this time. But I've always been his favorite girl, his favorite person, and now it seems there is someone who doesn't like that. I've never had to compete for Arthur, and the fact that I might have to do that actually worries me.

"C'est bien," It's fine, I tell him when he comes up to me when I'm finishing off by wiping off the table. He looks confused and shocked at me for a second.

"Quoi?" What?

"C'est bon tu n'as pas à t'excuser," It's fine, you don't have to apologize.

"Cece..." he starts and I shake my head before stopping him.

"Ne me Cece pas maintenant," Don't Cece me right now.

He looks at me, defeated and sorry. His face looks so shameful and I try to force a smile at him. I don't want to hear the same thing as last time. Him telling me that I'll always come first and I'll always be his first priority. If he tells me the same thing again, and if this happens again which I'm pretty sure it will, it will hurt a lot more. I don't want him to bullshit some apology. I have to accept the fact that Arthur will have girlfriends who I won't always get along with and I can't stand in the way of him seeing people. He shouldn't have to choose, so I am choosing to simply take a step back.