Rêveries

Chapter 94.

I was fine with Charles. My cast was off. Charles was home for summer break, Evie too. I was going to Ginger Spice's birthday party in England. What could possibly put me in a bad mood?

Well, I don't know. But I was in a bad mood the whole flight, while we settled into one of the guest houses in Horner's backyard that Max had set up for us to stay in. I was in a bad mood when the others went to dinner and I was too tired to come with them, because I felt nauseous.

It was such a stupid thing. I was in a bad mood, but the fact that I was in a bad mood pissed me off even more because I couldn't figure out what had put me in a bad mood to begin with. I didn't have anything to put me in a bad mood. Yes, there was the usual sadness of losing my career and that, but I couldn't let that upset me every single day. People would get sick of me the way I'm already sick of myself.

Maybe it was leaving Charles right when we made up and I just wanted to be with him and spend every waking second with him. It had been tough saying goodbye to him at the airport, and he'd also made sure Max knew I shouldn't be doing too crazy things, like dancing on tables and falling into fountains.

As if those things had happened.

Max made a whole thing of it as well, telling me whenever I walked on stairs, or when Pierre lifted me off the ground and swung me around like a rag doll just because he could finally do it without hurting me, he said 'I don't think Charles would approve of that.'

Or maybe it was because I was a horrible person that I was in a bad mood. Because when we'd met up with Evie and Pierre at the airport in London, she'd had millions of stories to tell us. Fun things she'd done, without me, in Los Angeles. She spoke about her dancing, telling us about all the exciting things she had coming up, and the things she'd done since I left. I should be happy for her. I should be so happy for her, cheering her on, but I was a horrible person who just felt envy towards my best friend's successes. I wanted to do the things she'd done with her, and I wanted to dance like she did. I had been there to dance with her for so long and suddenly she was living the life I wanted to live without me. And I've been moping about in my room, barely able to move.

That's my own fault of course. I'm not saying anything different. But it did hurt as hell to hear, and maybe that's what caused the bad mood, and knowing that I was a bad person for feeling the way I did.

While the others went out for dinner, I stayed in, trying to act like I wasn't in a bad mood, but just felt tired after the flight. They told me I needed to eat, and I promised I'd take a walk to the nearest shop and find something to eat when I had rested, but insisted they go without me. I didn't need to bring their mood down by sitting there and acting weird. I could fake a good mood for a few minutes, but hours was another story.

Instead I called Charles, who was with Martha and Riccardo back home. He told me we were invited to the baby shower in a few weeks. He could hear in my voice that something was wrong, so I heard him excuse himself from the room and then the balcony door opening and closing.

"Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas?" What's wrong? he asked.

Suddenly breathing felt heavier and I felt myself shaking as I held back tears that came out of nowhere. I didn't know why I couldn't stop crying. I'd been crying all the time about everything lately, like a few years ago when I found myself crying too much. I was as embarrassed about it as I was back then. I hated crying that much, being so mentally fragile.

Just get it together damn it.

"Je ne sais pas," I don't know, I replied as my voice broke.

Stop fucking crying.

"Quelque chose est arrivé?" Did something happen? He asked, trying to figure out what had caused me to cry so suddenly.

"Non," I replied, trying to figure it out as much as he did.