Rêveries

Chapter 100.

A little progress is still progress.

The little progress I make everyday is still getting me somewhere. I'm not standing still in the dark, muddy and horrible place I sunk so deep into. I'm slowly starting to move out of it.

Arthur, Charles and I celebrated our birthdays together, like every other year, something that still never changes. Everything else in life seems to change, but that one thing is our thing written in stone. From day one, they've been there, and 22 years later they're still with me. No matter what happens in life, they're my people.

My parents flew down to visit. We had dinner with them at Pascale's house before we were supposed to go to a celebration with our friends at a club in Monaco. It would be loud, big and lavish. Charles had been in charge of organizing it, as I was more set on planning something with our families rather than going out. My plan was also to not stay out as long as the rest of them, but I still had to go. It's rude to not go to a party thrown for you.

After dessert, the three of us snuck away with a bottle of wine, climbed out through Arthur's window, and sat on the roof with big hoodies on. We passed the bottle back and forth. I thought back on the time we sat there after Charles' first home race in F1. I didn't know what was to come, and I didn't feel anything when Charles climbed out, as Arthur and I were already sitting there. It's crazy how things can change in four years.

Our parents were in the backyard, and they were playing music loudly in the living room. I heard Landslide by Fleetwood Mac playing and I remembered Charles and I dancing in a cabin in the winter. Arthur being a menace to us both, and talking to my dad as we watched the sunrise.

When thinking about it, I realized that I was happy then, four years ago when sitting on the roof. I wasn't dancing then, I didn't have a plan what to do with my life. Jules was gone. I didn't have Charles, at least not as my boyfriend. Still, I was happy. I was just happy to be there, with Arthur and Charles. To see them, and to meet Evie again.

If I could be happy then, without all the things I have now, then I can be happy now. I was happy without my dancing once, and I can be again.

I can go back to being my young and naive 18-year old self. I didn't like how insecure she was, but I sure as hell liked how happy she was by the smallest things. I want the happiness she had, and I'll keep the confidence I've started to grow.

Arthur, Charles and I looked at each other, telling jokes and laughing. Even children have to get older. We're all getting older. Hell, Charles is the same age Jules was when we last saw him. We're not kids anymore. Arthur and I, the youngest two, are grown adults now. Time moves slow, yet so damn fast. I don't know how we got here, but I'm glad we did. Always by one another's side.

-

In November, I volunteered to babysit Penelope a couple times. I needed something to do, and I loved that little girl, so I practically begged them to let me babysit her. I took her to her ballet class, I took her to get ice cream, and we watched a bunch of movies. She even called me her best friend once, and Max told me she wouldn't shut up about all the things we did together.

During this time I also got the opportunity to properly congratulate Max on his championship. It feels harsh to do it with Charles around, even though it shouldn't, and I didn't really get the time in Japan because of the whole tractor incident. I was just angry that whole race weekend. But he had gotten a second championship, and even though I wanted Charles to have it, I was happy for Max. He did deserve it.

I didn't attend any more races, but I did watch them on TV. Either with Carla or with Pascale, because I didn't want to watch them alone. Max and Checo had some drama going on in Brazil that ended up with Charles and Checo being tied for points coming into the final race. Whoever finished first between the two, would claim the second spot in the championship, and even though it's not a win, I knew Charles wanted that second spot more than anything. George also got his first win, so I texted Carmen to tell him congratulations. I only have her number.