Rêveries

Chapter 98.

There's a huge time difference between Los Angeles and Japan. Evie and I barely had the time to settle back home before we had to get to Japan, and the jet lag was absolutely painful the first couple of days. It was bad for Arthur, Lorenzo and Charles as well, but not nearly as bad. We met up with Pierre and Max in Japan as they went there earlier for some events surrounding Red Bull. It's Yuki's home race, so they were doing things relating to that.

I slept during the wrong hours for the first day and in an attempt to fix it I was horribly tired the second day. Charles forced me out of bed to go to the gym, where I had to do my normal exercises for my knee while he exercised with Andrea. Evie was with Pierre and Max a lot, so I figured Evie and Pierre had solved things now that she had realized that maybe she needs help to get out of some destructive habits.

Joris was there, and right before the trip to Japan, he had been asked to be godfather to Marta and Riccardo's daughter. I was a bit relieved they didn't choose Charles, because I was still scared that he would get the idea to have kids a lot sooner than we are actually ready for.

He was still acting weird, especially when I struggled with a lot more jet lag than he did. He kept handling me like I was sick or something. He came with chocolate for me though, which I appreciated. Unnecessary to complain.

The first day I went to the paddock was on Friday. Charles thought it would be better if I stayed behind to rest on Thursday, so I did. Arthur was there with me and I got to spend some more time with him, watching movies and catching up. Since he moved to Italy I have seen him significantly less. He tells me he's contemplating getting another apartment in Monaco to be in whenever he's not too busy in Italy, because he misses being close to his family. And to me, of course. Also Carla, who's become the most important girl in his life, and I'm completely okay with that. I have no problem being second to her.

I had a therapy session over the phone on Thursday afternoon. Even when I'm away we try to talk at least once a week, and sometimes two. She lets me vent and she helps me deal with any emotions I don't know how to deal with. She gives advice and things to focus on. She keeps pushing me to have a conversation with Charles that I know I need to have, but I don't know how to say the things I need to say.

On Friday I stuck to Arthur. It was raining, but before the first practice session, we all went on a track walk over to the turn where Jules crashed. We all brought flowers, and we stopped at the corner. Charles turned to me, and he gave me a soft yet sad smile. He told me he was proud of me for being there. I put the flowers down and I placed a kiss on my fingers before putting my fingers to the ground. I didn't like being there. I didn't like being at the track or at the paddock.

Last time I was there, it felt better. I don't know how I did it. How I stood there without crying and screaming until I know longer had air in my lungs, because that's what I wanted to do. I didn't really feel sad when I stood there, I just felt angry. Why did he have to go? Why did he get into that car and why the hell do people have the guts to blame him for his death. I don't care who's at fault. He lost his life and people still found it more important to let everyone know that he was to blame.

I took a few steps back and I looked around while Arthur, Charles and Lorenzo did what they wanted to do. Andrea came up to me and he put a hand on my shoulder. I was hugging my thick coat tightly around me and I held the red umbrella over my head to keep dry.

"Come ti senti?" How are you feeling? he asked.

"Voglio andarmene," I want to leave, I told him and slowly started walking away. I didn't want to drag the others away from there if they wanted more time. But I didn't want to stay there, because I didn't like the feeling spreading throughout my body.