Resident Evil Oneshots

Incorrect quotes

Wesker: You can all use this time to clean up your desks

Also Wesker: Crumpled tissues, pictures of your families.

Barry: What's wrong with pictures?

Wesker: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.

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*(Y/N) gardening, and Wesker walks up*

 (Y\N): Wesker! How are--

(Y/N), Noticing that there's someone else: Oh, who's your ugly friend?

 Wesker: That's Chris

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*The squad right before (Y/N)'s wedding*
Wesker: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.
Leon: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!
Jill: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well
Chris: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND
Brad, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE

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Wesker: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
(Y\N): >:O language
Leon: Yeah watch your fucking language
Jill: OKAY WHO TAUGHT LEON THE FUCK WORD?
Chris: 'The fuck word'.
Brad: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Leon: Oh my god they censored it
Chris: Say fuck, Brad.
Leon: Do it, Brad. Say fuck.

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(Y/N): I can explain.
Brad: Can you?
(Y/N): If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

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(Y/N): Brad...
Brad: Oh no, 'Brad' in b-flat.
Brad: You're disappointed.

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(Y/N): Tell Brad about the birds and the bees.
Leon: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

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(Y/N), setting down a card: Ace of spades
Brad, pulling out an Uno card: +4
Leon, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you
Jill, trembling: What are we playing

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(Y/N): What time is it?
Chris: I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out
Chris: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Piers: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Chris: It's 2 am

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(Y/N), pointing: May I sit there?
Chris: That's my lap
(Y/N): That doesn't answer my question, Chris.

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(Y/N): *Walking in to a room* Sorry I'm late... I was... doing things.
*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*
Brad: *Out of breath* THEY PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN' STAIRS. 

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Brad: We've been conducting an ongoing study to see what Leon will and will not eat.
(Y\N): Grass? Yes!
Brad: Moss? Yes!!
(Y\N): Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Brad: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
(Y\N): Worms? Sometimes!
Brad: Rocks? Usually nah.
(Y\N): Twigs? Usually!
Brad: Chris's cooking? Inconclusive!
Jill: How did you... test this?
Brad: You just hand them stuff and say 'eat this' and if they eat it, they eat it.
Jill: ... I don't know how to feel about this.
Chris: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

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Brad: Are we really going to let (Y\N) keep Leon?
Jill: We kept Chris.

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Brad: Favorite horror movie?
Chris: It
Leon: Saw
Jill: Annabelle
(Y\N): High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I'd be the only one who didn't know the lyrics

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(Y\N): Is having a penis fun?
Brad: It has its ups and downs.
Leon: Sometimes it's a little hard.
Chris: It's a pain in the ass.
Jill: Oh, Jesus, fuck, guys, come on.

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Brad: It's dark in here
(Y\N): Don't worry dude I got this
(Y\N): *Stomps their feet*
(Y\N): *Skechers light up*

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Leon: How much you wanna bet (Y\N) got a Lap dance from Jill?
Brad: If that happened, Wesker can drink free tonight.
Wesker: As much as I love the thought of having free drinks I don't like the idea of (Y\N) receiving a Lap dance from someone other than me.
Leon: Hey Jill, did you give (Y\N) a lap dance?
Jill: So what if I did?
Leon, to Brad: I guess Wesker is drinking free tonight.
Jill: Be right back, I'm gonna go cry-
(Y\N), entering the room: What the f-

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(Y\N): I put the pun in punishment.
Chris: I put the top in unstoppable.
Brad: I put the cute in execute.
Leon: I put the sexy in dyslexia.
Jill: I put the ass in class.
Wesker: I put the D in (Y\N).

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(Y\N): Brad! I can't do this stupid math!
Brad: What's the math problem?
(Y\N): Well, we have to add the bed, subtract the clothes divide the legs, and hope we don't multiply.
Chris, covering Leon's ears, while Brad smacks (Y\N) upside the head: Not going to lie that was hella smooth.

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(Y\N): Dude-
Brad: No, no, hold up, rewind.
Brad: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me dude??

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(Y\N): Know why I called you in here?
Wesker: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.
(Y\N): *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

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(Y\N): Hey, I'm getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?
Wesker: ..Have you never taken a shower before?

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(Y\N): When are we gonna fuck?
Wesker: What?
(Y\N): Oh sorry autocorrect. When are we gonna hang out?
Wesker: First of all that two words isn't even close to each other. And second of all, this is a verbal conversation..

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(Y\N): Kissing can burns 26 calories in a minute, wanna work-out with me?
Wesker: Are saying that I'm fat?
(Y\N): No that's not what I meant I-

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