Desire and Despair

Chapter 7

Nathan smiled when he saw that Katie was coming to visit him again. He'd missed her. He felt like he'd made so much progress, and he wanted to tell her all about it.

"I think I'm out of the woods," he declared cheerfully. "I've learned to live with who I am and what I've done. I'm ready to grow and move on." Maybe he was just recycling textbook phrases from the internet but he still expected a big, excited reaction from Katie. After all, she'd cried tears of happiness over a good parking space before. But she was surprisingly calm.

"I'm glad," she said,"that means I was successful." She was smiling, a little disbelievingly, but she looked truly happy.

"What do you mean?" Nathan asked, confused. What did she mean she was successful? Was fixing him her personal mission in life? Actually knowing her it very well might be, along with keeping Acme's cereal shelves fully stocked.

Katie paused, unsure of what to do. "I'm not supposed to talk about this," she admitted. Nathan has never seen her look so regretful and it was jarring. He was a little terrified of what she'd say next. "But Nathan, I do care about you, so I have to tell you." Nathan begged her silently not to hurt him. He wasn't sure he even wanted to know whatever it was that she was hiding. For the first time maybe ever Nathan took her seriously. Even when he loved her he always shook his head and laughed at her antics, even if it was affectionate. He found her craziness adorable, but he still thought she was a little insane. He might love her, but he'd never respected her. But now he gave her his full attention, gazing deeply into her ocean-blue eyes, looking for clues. "I'm not who you think I am," Katie admitted. "I'm...an actress. But I never got any parts, so I was working at Acme, trying to pay my bills, when I met you. I thought you were cute and I loved how dramatic you were. I tried to be someone different everyday, for practice you know, but you liked the bubbly girl in a sappy Hallmark movie that I tried out for. So to you, I was her. But I can be pretty cunning and cold so when your brother came to me with an offer I took it. It paid well, and it was all too easy. Besides I already liked you."

"What was the deal?" Nathan asked, sounding a little hysterical in his desperation.

Katie sighed. "He wanted me to save you. He said he couldn't, but maybe love could. He wanted me to help you, to act like I loved you, to marry you. And maybe you can't buy love with money but for someone like Andrew who has it all so easy you can buy anything. And I was desperate for money, desperate to play a part, and besides I'd already given up on ever finding true love. So I agreed. And you were mysterious, and fascinating, and gorgeous. Playing my part wasn't hard. When you proposed to Heather I was sad I wouldn't be closing my deal, but I was also sad because I really did like you. I really do like you, and I'm sorry."

Nathan was stunned. He couldn't speak, not even to ask the millions of questions on the tip of his tongue. Dazed, he tried to process Katie's bombshell. His whole life-or at least most of it-was a lie. When he'd lied and told Katie he loved her he'd never thought she was lying when she squealed it back. Andrew had set him up, trying to help just like always, and if he'd bribed a more devoted actress maybe he really could have. Because Katie had helped. Nathan's point of view changed as he realized that he'd been happy with Katie. A precarious kind of happiness, built on a tangled web of lies, but it had still been happiness. Happiness was rare for Nathan, and he wasn't young and idealistic anymore. Not everything had to be real. Why not join the charade? "Stop," he told Katie firmly. "I don't care." He ignored the ramifications of her revelation, pushing down his anger and disbelief to keep up their facade of perfection, wondering absently when exactly he'd become his brother. He'd spent so many years wanting exactly that. Everyone prayed for it when he messed up, that he'd grow up, and turn out like Andrew, more responsible, more together, just better. He'd wished it himself, that he could be as perfect as his idolized older brother. And now every desperate prayer, every wish on every star, had come true. At heart, he'd become just like Andrew. He wondered if this had been his curse all along, if he was doomed by the very blood that ran in his veins, keeping him alive, sustaining his every breath, to be just like the brother whose blood ran the same. Had it always been his fate to repeat the mistakes of his brother, in some tragic cycle? Because he'd never really wanted Andrew's life. He'd wanted the approval that had come with it, the idea of being the favorite, of doing it all right. But he hadn't really wanted to live like Andrew did. There was nothing wrong with his way of course. It felt almost disloyal to even think it, but as much as he'd always appreciated his brother he'd always violently hoped he wouldn't turn out that way himself. There was no passion in Andrew's life, no thrill, no rush, no ups or downs, the same cookie-cutter life always and forever. It wasn't right to look down on him, Nathan knew, Andrew had a lot of things. A stable marriage; if not an epic love story, a smiling family on every Christmas card; even if it had taken twenty takes, a simple life; if one Nathan had never wanted to live. They'd just never had the same interests, he hadn't ever wanted that to be him growing up. But here he was.

Katie looked at him gratefully. "But don't you want a chance to find real love?" she asked.

Nathan shook his head, thinking of how if everything with Katie was fake, he'd never really stopped loving Heather. "I found real love," he explained. And he realized in that moment that Heather was the love of his life, the one girl he'd never move on from. Katie's words had hurt him, but only because he wanted the easy, simple future she offered so badly. He wanted security, safety, and his brother's approval. She'd offered all that and more, been so steady through his darkest moments, She'd handed him the world without him even having to ask while wanting nothing in return, and it was easy to like that. It sure was easier than pining over a faraway girl who couldn't give him anything, not even the simple truth. So he'd taught himself to love Katie instead, slowly, day by day the past five years, somehow subconsciously adjusting his future dream to fit a girl with blonde hair. But really, he'd just been fooled. For all his efforts he hadn't even gotten real love, just a trick. But it hadn't just been her tricking him, he'd tricked himself, into somehow believing he could ever love anyone but Heather Hanson. Katie had played him, but not any more than he'd played himself. He still loved Heather now, beyond all the illusions, of course he did. But she was with Teddy now, he'd missed his chance just like always. "I found real love," he repeated wistfully. "But I lost it." They both knew he was talking about Heather but Katie didn't mention it, just passed him a plate of chocolate chip cookies and cheerfully filled him in on her day. And Nathan really almost loved her for that.