Desire and Despair

Chapter 13

Nathan walked into the therapist's office. He'd always known there was a therapist here, it made sense, what with all the crazy prisoners, but he'd never thought to come until he found out his wife got paid to marry him. How did he even explain that? The office was crisp and clean. It smelled like peppermint, and it was covered with certificates and degrees from Oxford.

"May I help you?" the girl behind the desk asked. She had a lovely British accent, that made her sound intelligent and sophisticated. Nathan felt like her amber eyes were looking right through him, reading his thoughts. It was unsettling. She looked the part of someone smart.

"Uh, yes, I'm here to talk with you," Nathan replied. "I'm Nathan Parker. I think I made an appointment." He knew he'd made an appointment, but something about this businesslike girl made him feel unsure of himself. The girl nodded coolly.

"I'm Rochelle Emerson. You can call me Rochelle." She shook his hand, then sat down to face him. "So what seems to be the problem?" she asked.

Nathan didn't know where to begin. "It's complicated," he sighed.

Rochelle smiled sympathetically. "Isn't everything?" she agreed. "Here, have a biscuit. Now go on and tell me all the nasty little details."

"My marriage is fake," Nathan declared. "My brother literally bought it. Bribed some poor cashier into a wedding in some last-ditch attempt to save me. And I love someone else but I lost her when I asked her to marry me just so her ex would show up at our wedding and get arrested. It was important though, he was a serial killer. Oh and by the way I also killed someone. I didn't exactly mean to, I was going for my best friend, but it was a clever look alike. And after five years of drowning in guilt and blackmail from my apparently not-dead best friend I finally cracked. That's how I landed here. And now I'm cellmates with the not-dead best friend, who's also dating the girl I really love, while I'm still signing endless divorce papers to end a fake marriage orchestrated by my brother, the one person I thought could do no wrong."

"Is that quite all?" she laughed.

Nathan tried to remember if he was missing any complaints. "I'm allergic to shellfish," he added.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh dear," she sighed. "That does sound rather dreadful." But it didn't seem like she was judging him, she didn't even seem shocked. Nathan figured she must get a lot of crazy cases in here. She seemed amused more than anything. "Did you go to college Nathan?" she asked suddenly.

"No," he answered dryly. "I was a little busy with the whole murdering my childhood best friend agenda. Can't find many places these days willing to actually teach how to get away with murder, though I never did achieve that. I guess it's obvious by my mere presence that I never got away with anything. But what's college got to do with any of this chaos?"

She just laughed. "Oh nothing much. I was just thinking with a story like that you could've written one bloody good essay."

He had to laugh with her. At least she was taking it in stride, finding the humor in his insanity.

"May I ask you something Nathan?" she began again, seeming once again like the serious professional who'd intimidated him at first.

"Sure," Nathan answered.

"What are you hoping to get out of this?"Rochelle asked.

Nathan considered. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. "Well," he began,"I could really use a friend."

Rochelle smiled. "Even one that gets paid by the hour to talk to you?"

"Believe me, I'm used to that," Nathan laughed. "At least you're paid by the state and not my brother."

"That's one way of looking at it," she laughed. "Well then friends it is then. I'm afraid we aren't getting married though. And please don't murder me."

"One fake marriage is enough for me," Nathan promised with another laugh. "And you don't need to worry, my one attempt at murder was a total failure. I didn't even get the right guy. Plus you don't seem like the type to burn things down for fun."

"What would you like to change about yourself Nathan?" Rochelle asked, switching back to her practiced professionalism.

"Everything," Nathan admitted. "I've messed up a lot in my life."

"Well I may have a lot of degrees, but I can't change everything for you Nathan. Try to be specific."

"Ok, well, to start, I'd like to stop hurting people I care about," Nathan said.

She nodded. "Thank you for one answer that wasn't just sarcasm. Now you're well on your way, they say the first step is admitting you need help."

"Is that true?"

She laughed. "I wouldn't know. But hey, it keeps me in business so I've got to love it. So many people show up thinking one quick conversation will fix all their problems."

"Well don't worry, my problems will take many long conversations over many cups of tea and many afternoons. There's a lot to unravel."

She smiled. "Then we'd better get started. What's your story? Not the condensed version, I'm afraid that gave me a bit of whiplash. The whole thing, in gruesome detail."

So Nathan told her everything, which took hours. When he finished talking he was pleasantly surprised at how honest he'd been. But then it was hard to lie while Rochelle was staring into his soul.

"Your story was perfectly fascinating," Rochelle exclaimed. "You've certainly lived a curious life."

"Well thanks I guess," Nathan said. "I'm glad my misery is entertaining at least."

"Oh I'm terribly sorry," Rochelle sighed. "But at least your problems are amusing. Most of my clients are quite dull."

"It's fine," Nathan replied. "At least all my mistakes are good for something. But I am trying to stop making them."

"Of course," Rochelle agreed. "Well, if you want to change your life you have to stop taking responsibility for everyone else. It was never your job to fix Teddy. You shouldn't have thrown away your life for him. You need to stop worrying about everyone else and start focusing on yourself for a change. You have an obsession with being the hero, but right now you're the one who needs saving. Let other people live. Trust people like Teddy to fate and the justice system. Worry about yourself."

"That's really good advice," Nathan admitted.

Rochelle smiled. "Well I am a professional."

"I'm going to do that," Nathan declared. "From now on I'll worry about me."

"That's lovely," Rochelle answered. "Let me know how it works out for you. I feel rather invested now."

Nathan smiled. He felt more cheerful than he had in a while. He had a plan now, and a new escape from rooming with Teddy.

"I will," he promised, standing to leave.

"Have a nice day," Rochelle called.

Nathan was glad he'd met Rochelle. She was unlike anyone he'd ever met, in the best way. She was much more mature and elegant than Heather or Katie, and she hadn't judged him for all the crazy, twisted things he'd done. In fact, she'd even thought he was fascinating. Suddenly it didn't seem like there was a better place to be than therapy.