Desire and Despair

Chapter 21

Nathan stared out the window half-wistfully. Before he knew it, it would be Christmas. If only that was enough to chase away all his worries, like it had back in the days when he was seven years old, sipping hot chocolate, and waiting not so patiently for his gifts. Back then nothing was more important than finding out what was inside a couple of shiny boxes underneath the Christmas tree. His life had become infinitely more complicated now, he missed that innocent thrill, the rush of discovery. Of course, he'd asked for all of it, written long letters to Santa detailing exactly what he hoped to see, but it was still kind of a miracle to see it there, for him, Nathan Parker. The whole day was a fever dream, playing with his new toys and snacking on candy canes while random relatives milled around handing out twenties and Andrew tried to organize caroling. It wasn't the same this year, hemmed in on all sides by iron bars, not homey walls. If it was snowing outside he wouldn't even know, down here all alone. It was very much the same, beyond the free bowl of peppermint lozenges in the lounge and Hallmark playing on loop. It all felt forced, like they had an obligation to a day they'd all outgrown. His spirits weren't improved when his "favorite" guard started toward him.

"You've got a visitor," she snapped. "Hurry up I don't have all day. Some of us actually have lives."

Nathan sighed. "Must be nice." He went along quietly, figuring that was the best way to stay out of trouble all things considered. He was surprised to see Andrew of all people waiting for him.

"Merry Christmas," Andrew exclaimed. "I can't be here tomorrow, I have to dress up as Santa for the kids. I figured I'd swing by today though."

Nathan laughed. "Good call. Nothing says Christmas quite like a jail cell."

Andrew laughed. "Nothing says Christmas like family Nathan. And you'll always be that, wherever you are. Here, I brought you some food."

Nathan grinned. "Thanks."

"Of course. And here's a card from the Parker family...and Mickey. I sure hope you like it, it took about 100 takes."

"It's perfect."

"Your uniform is a mess," Andrew commented. "You should try to be more presentable Nathan."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "I'm in prison Andrew. I'm beyond the fake smiles and wrinkle-less clothes, past all illusion of perfection. I'm not perfect, and an entire court knows that now. There's no point in pretending."

Andrew shook his head. "You should always make an effort, no matter the occasion."

"Easy to say when your only occasions are business dinners and golf games."

"Don't do that," Andrew snapped. "You're right, I haven't been through half of what you have. I'm not the hero, I'll always fade into the background. But I have been here for everyone. While you were out there spiraling I was there for my family. I show up at my kids games, I cheer them on, they know I'm in their corner. Maybe I'm boring, but at least I'm a part of their lives. At least they don't have to glance awkwardly around the room whenever their teacher asks them to bring in their parents for the end of the year holiday party, at least a "Santa" will be there tonight to eat their cookies, instead of them just getting stale on the counter. Your kids can't say the same."

"You're the one who made my marriage fake!"

"I was trying to help! I know it's extreme but so

were you. I was trying everything. And I'll admit that choice wasn't my best. Turns out even I'm not immune to mistakes. But at least I cared. You clearly don't care about anything anymore."

"What is there to care about?" Nathan demanded. "The love of my life is gone, she'll only ever be my friend, if that. She's far away, and I'm trapped here. I don't want anyone else. It doesn't matter how I look, or who notices. She's the only one I'll ever want. So excuse me if I don't have the energy to look nice anymore. She's not here to notice, and no one else matters".