Desire and Despair

Chapter 25

"Hey," Nathan said cheerfully to Rochelle, excited for the best part of his day. Of course, there wasn't much competition, the rest of his day was pacing around a cell trying to avoid Teddy. Still, even if his life wasn't at an all-time low, he had a feeling Rochelle would still be a highlight.

"Hi," she answered brightly. "I had something I wanted to talk to you about. What if I told you there were ways to get out of jail earlier?" She was trying to ease him into the idea, instead of dropping it all at once.

"It doesn't matter," Nathan sighed. "I'm trapped in infinite limbo, utterly miserable in this world, but too busy being miserable to get myself out. I've always known I could be doing more. But it seems most days it's all I can do to get through to the next."

"It's not that complicated..." Rochelle began.

"It doesn't matter," he cut in passionately. "All my life's fallen apart, is it too much to ask for stability in the wreckage? I'm here because of Teddy, there was nothing more I could've done. What more can you possibly ask of me? How is it fair for me to have to save myself when I've tried so hard all this time just to get through the days? I can't build a future on top of that."

"You don't have to do anything," Rochelle said gently. "I've been talking with the judge about letting you out of here early." She felt bad lying, she knew the whole case centered on Teddy's fake confession, but Nathan could never know that. It didn't matter how wrong it felt to lie to him, Teddy was giving up any shot at freedom. She had to do this one thing for him.

Nathan stared at her in shock. He'd always been pretty dramatic, so he'd figured he'd rot in jail for the rest of his life. Seeing the bright side of things had never been one of his talents. He was happy to think of leaving the confines of the prison, and especially to leave Teddy behind, but he didn't have a life to go back to anymore. Katie was gone, and so was his job. Besides, he would miss Rochelle, one of his only friends left, maybe more. He'd played a dangerous game, and learned to live two lives when he only had one. And it was all because of Rochelle, she was making him question everything when he couldn't afford to let that happen. He needed to be able to run back in a heartbeat, wasn't that what he'd wished for so often? He had to stay true to the sadness he'd felt so much more deeply in the long nights of the past. It would be a betrayal of his own pain to choose someone he'd never had to miss, every tear he'd cried would be wasted if he ended up with a girl who'd only ever made him smile. Rochelle had opened his eyes to the cracks in his perfect life, and he needed his blind devotion back. It belonged to Heather. She'd asked him for his devotion far too fast, the very first time they sat down to lunch. It was way too soon for promises, but he gave them anyway, because why not? He'd smiled a little at the ridiculousness of it all, but his life was a whirlwind, why not embrace it? Why not be hers? There was no one else. And now there was, but she'd still been first, and in his head first had to be last, he'd never learned how to move on. He liked the way Heather had just demanded his loyalty, he could never make choices, from the color of his shirt to the girl he'd spend his life with. He liked rules, he loved order, being told just what to do so he couldn't be blamed when it fell apart. Any option made him think he'd inevitably choose the worst one. He didn't trust fate, and he trusted himself even less. After all, he'd only gotten it right once, and even then it hadn't lasted. How could he follow his heart when it was such a muddled thing? It wanted approval, friends, and security, not just his truest happiness. How could he stay true to himself when he wasn't even sure who he was? He could be almost anyone, how did he figure out which side was real? How could he be himself when he was so much all at once? He could never choose a path, so he did his best to avoid the crossroads. He'd just let destiny carry him, to the top of the world, or to rock bottom. It didn't really matter, so long as he never had to make a choice. He wanted to stick with the familiar, it was easy. He wanted to pine after one life, one girl, forever, in peace. It was the easy way out-but then it would never really lead out of anything-and that was the problem. Nathan wondered what to do. There was no easy answer. Life could be infinitely better or infinitely worse and there was no trial run, no way of knowing until it was irrevocable. With his luck, he was inevitably doomed to pick the worse option, and have no one to curse but himself when everything went wrong. If he stayed, he'd have to stop complaining about prison, since he'd settled for it, and if he went, no matter how bad it might be, he couldn't complain about that either since he was choosing it. Until now, he'd been easily able to pin his problems on others. He'd been forced into his awful situation, by no choice of his own. It wasn't his fault, he was free to complain, he deserved all the cheap pity and stupid sympathy cards in the world. But soon he'd only have himself to blame, no matter what he chose there was no winning. He'd lost the moment she told him he had a choice. He almost hated Rochelle for giving him one.