Desire and Despair

Chapter 10

Nathan wondered what to do. Things just weren't the same with Katie anymore. Sometimes if he pushed her to the back of his mind, he could forget how screwed up his life was. At least then he was just another happily married, middle-aged inmate. But deep down he knew he was living a lie, even if it was a very pretty one. Things with Katie weren't as golden as they seemed, and the shadows underneath haunted him in his dreams. Nathan had been through hell and back, but he always tried to keep a positive outlook on life, at least recently. He was never exactly cheerful, but if he couldn't believe in good anywhere it would get too dark to bear. Katie had been that to him, his shining light, the one purely good person he knew. But no one's ever that simple. It turned out she wasn't pure at all, she was in it for the money. And on top of that, Andrew, Nathan's perfect brother, had a manipulative side. He was disillusioned all around. It was hard to move on from Katie's betrayal, just like it was hard to grow up and find out there was no real magic. Katie was just another casualty of growing up, along with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Still, when you stop believing in everything it's hard to believe in anything. Nathan knew he'd spiral without Katie. She did her job well, he'd give her that. He'd just liked to think he meant something to her. He still did think it sometimes, when reality was too cruel, and he go to any lengths to imagine a different future. He knew deep down his ideas were unrealistic, but they were all he had. And besides, if he didn't think about anything too much, just focused on getting through each new day, it wasn't all that hard to ignore. There was so much going on all the time, that was the thing about life, it always went on, whether his marriage was real or fake. Sometimes he thought it didn't really matter, and then he wondered just how deluded he'd gotten over the years. Still, coffee tasted just the same, and the sun was just as bright, and the days were just as busy as when he'd believed in true love, and Katie's infallible happiness. Life truly was very much the same, besides lingering wistfulness when he ran out of distractions.

Nathan eventually realized that he wanted to be with someone because he chose them, not because they were tied together by heavy rings, empty promises, and a couple million dollars. So he told Katie all that the next day when she came to visit. "Hey," she chirped. "It's really pretty outside today!"

He hated how she didn't even look guilty. But then, he supposed, neither did he.

"You can drop the act," he muttered.

Katie gave a sigh of relief. "Finally. I was even starting to annoy myself."

"No I mean drop it forever," Nathan explained. "We don't belong together Katie, and we've pretended for too long. You're a good actress though, for a little while I really almost loved you. But I none of it was ever real...and it's always been Heather."

Katie smiled sadly. "For a little while I really almost loved you too. You're right though, we made a total mess of this."

Nathan laughed. "Considering the way it started I think it's been messy since the beginning."

"That's fair," Katie agreed. "So no hard feelings? I really never wanted to hurt you."

"I get it," Nathan assured her. "Trust me, I've done plenty worse. But it's not fair to either of us to keep pretending."

Katie nodded. "The positivity was getting exhausting," she groaned. "I literally got on my own nerves all the time. What did you ever see on me?"

"Perfection," Nathan answered earnestly, without even pausing to think. "I guess I should've known it was too good to be true."

He hated how sad that sounded. "It'll all be okay though," he added quickly. "I'm gonna get it together," he promised.

"I believe you," she said, and maybe she wasn't so far from an actress after all.