Desire and Despair

Chapter 9

Nathan walked through the prison hallway slowly, letting his eyes linger on every little detail. He was really just wasting time at this point, in no hurry to return to life with Teddy. But just as he was mustering all his willpower to turn the corner Teddy came to him, accompanied by his "gang", ten other scowling guys to add to the intimidation of it all. Teddy really hadn't been lying, for once, when he said he'd chosen the best guys in prison. They certainly looked the strongest, like any one of them could full-on tackle Nathan if Teddy ordered. But the game hadn't come to that yet. He still had his chance to join the winning team.

"Hey Nathan," Teddy said, smooth as ever, in a tone so friendly all the hidden malice could only be glimpsed in his eyes, veiled so delicately it was only noticeable if you knew what you were looking for. "I brought some friends of mine with me."

"And we all know what a great friend you are."

"I'll ignore that comment for now. We're here to negotiate terms." The determined sweetness in Teddy's voice only increased after Nathan's snide comment, but his eyes darkened. "We want you on our team Nathan. For the sake of our old friendship, I truly hope you accept. I'd hate for anything to happen to you. Just imagining my best friend bleeding on the ground is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes."

"What are you even saying?" Nathan snapped. "You own this whole stupid prison. You could shoot me in the head right now for all they care. Money can buy everything, it'll buy my life if that's what you want. You don't need these stupid veiled threats, you're just obsessed with the drama of it all. And none of it even matters. No matter what you do I can't be your friend ever against, not after all you've done, to me, to everyone. Just save your time and stop scheming. Let me suffer in peace. I don't fear you Teddy. What could you possibly take from me anymore? You took my family, my friends, my home. And maybe it's my fault that it was all so tenuous, that my happiness was so fragile, my stability was so easy to shatter. You didn't even have to try to destroy me, and I guess that's some kind of testament to the poor life I've lived. But even if half the blame can be pinned on me, it still took you to tip my flimsy tower, twist my frail joy into misery. Before that you had more power than you'll ever know, I paced the floor so many nights afraid of this very future, afraid of you, the man behind it all. I might've gone crazy back then just wondering about the unknown. I fear nothing more than I fear change. But now the worst has happened. My life can't change without getting better. What am I supposed to fear anymore?"

"I assure you I could do worse."

"To who?" Nathan demanded. "A man who doesn't care anymore? I'm untouchable these days Teddy. You've finally pushed me too far, into the calm of oblivion. Do your worst and see if I care."

"There's more than just you," Teddy reminded him serenely. "You still have a family, no matter how far they may be these days. I'd hate for something to happen without you around to help...."

For the first time, Nathan felt true fear. He'd care for the people he missed long after he gave up on himself. He wanted to beg, to plead, to have the security of being Teddy's best friend again. Some days he truly wanted to give in to Teddy. He was so miserable, so lost, so alone, all because of Teddy. And in his isolation, crying his eyes out with no one to comfort him, he just wished for someone, anyone. When Teddy had walked in once he'd let himself be hugged, given in to weakness and comfort. He knew it was all Teddy's fault, he wished he had the strength left to hate him, to blame him, to shove him away, but instead, he stood frozen, accepting Teddy's empty promise that it would all be okay when he was the very reason it never would be again just because he needed to hear it from someone. He hated himself for that moment of weakness. In that moment Teddy had truly won, poisoning him just to be the only antidote, free to be as evil as he liked because he was still too necessary to be hated. Nathan couldn't let him win for good. He couldn't keep falling back on Teddy, just because there truly was no one else. He couldn't be his friend. People always said holding on to resentment hurt you more than anyone else. They were right, he found. Hating Teddy took a resolve he wasn't sure he possessed anymore. Giving in would be the easy thing. It was beginning to take conscious effort to even remember all Teddy's crimes. But he had to keep it up, cling to his resentment no matter how much it hurt. To simply forgive and forget would be the easy thing. But he couldn't take the easy way out, Teddy didn't deserve that, he had to deal him a little retribution. He couldn't be weak, he had to use the strength he'd been forced to learn so young. So he kept his voice cold as he replied, "If that's your game then why haven't you done it yet? You're not heartless Teddy, just broken. I'll always matter to you, won't I, no matter what I do? You won't hurt my family and you won't hurt me. Your threats are just as empty as your morals."