Desire and Despair

Chapter 15

Heather knew she should be letting go, and moving on. Teddy had been very clear. He didn't want her anymore, she should be angry, rant to her friends about all his flaws, realize she'd never needed him anyway, and find someone better. She should hate him for not wanting her. But she couldn't quite blame him, after all, as much as she hated to admit it, he was right. She wasn't what he needed. She was a coward, a perpetual bystander, too afraid to ever take any definitive action-she couldn't cut it in his world. And she couldn't hate him for that, the shortcomings were all her own, she wasn't what he wanted, didn't know how to be-he wasn't wrong, about any of it. She couldn't just get angry and wonder what she'd ever seen in him, she still saw it, staring starkly back at her, rejection might have pierced her heart but she wasn't blind. She couldn't even claim he just didn't know what he was missing, he couldn't just get to know her, he did know her, timid, over-sweet, uninteresting little Heather-that was his perception and he was right, she possessed no hidden depth, merely was who she was, right down to her spineless core. How could it be his loss? What was there to lose?

Ironically, it was her innocence that she now felt tainted by. She was a pure, upstanding citizen, guilty only of the silence she had a right to. But that wasn't something she was proud of, she'd never be on Teddy's level, forever be pushed aside to let the "grownups" talk, never allowed to grow up herself, always have words quieted for her benefit, not around Heather. And there was no escape, she was now considered too innocent to ever be corrupted, she had no way in, no one would teach her the art of crime, she was clumsy, inexperienced, a liability-and who'd settle for an amateur when there was no lack of seasoned criminals? She was no longer protecting her innocence, willing, wanting to add a few crimes to her record-but she didn't know the language, the customs, how to break into that world, afraid of her only ticket in, the people she wanted to become. She'd be so useless in a heist or something, probably ask for a list of numbered directions, stand around stupidly in the heat of the moment asking what came next. Of course, she had a little common sense, and some fiction, but not all of that would translate into reality. Youth was for experimenting, messing up, and asking questions-she was too old for this. She'd been told to be careful of Teddy back then, reminded of the world he represented, warned not to get swept away, sucked in, to stay true to herself as if she stood for anything back then. Funny how all the people who told her that had all really meant stay true to my perception of you. None of them had even known who she was, she wasn't sure why she'd listened. But it hadn't mattered, Teddy hadn't cared to drag her down with him. It hadn't been difficult, she'd been proud of it for a little while, believing she inhabited the best of both worlds, having Teddy Appleton without having to be like him. She hadn't wanted to change him, she'd been satisfied with remaining unchanged herself, believing she was so special. But Teddy just hadn't cared, the same way in real life no one went around offering free drugs-innocence might be looked down on, but her mockers didn't want to help her change, to make her an equal. She'd never been stronger than anyone-there had simply never been a battle for what no one else wanted. And now she saw that the innocence she'd prized back then had become her curse. She wished she could just cast it off, but she'd touted it around for so long it had become a palpable part of her. She was inexperienced, incapable-and it was too late to change. It really wasn't Teddy's loss. He was free to find his equal now.

But then, who said she couldn't learn to be someone worth losing? Why couldn't she be the kind of girl who ended up with Teddy Appleton? Who said she couldn't play by his rules? She'd picked them all up by now. What would Teddy Appleton do in this very moment? She dialed his number, propelled by a sudden adrenaline coursing through her. For the first time, she was becoming more than a cheap pawn, finally making her own moves in the game they'd all played with her life.

"I have something to show you," she told him when he finally picked up because a plan was forming in her head. "Meet me at the abandoned house by the lake." She hung up then, leaving the explanation to his imagination.