Desire and Despair

Chapter 14

Teddy winced when he saw Heather walking up the long hallway to visit him. He didn't want to have to do this. He'd never wanted to hurt Heather, but it had always been inevitable. He'd move mountains for her, or at least destroy houses, but he'd never fix himself.

"We need to talk," Teddy declared solemnly when Heather reached him, a perverse part of him delighting in the melodrama of it all, and determined to use all the classic lines.

"What's up?" she asked a little too casually. She wasn't ready to get her heart broken...again. She'd put it through so much it was a miracle she wasn't numb by now. Teddy was her safety net. If she lost him she'd be in free fall.

"Heather," Teddy began regretfully. "You were my soulmate. We belonged together. But we're not those same people anymore. We can't be, after all this time, after all we've been through."

"Why not?" Heather asked, stunned. He'd burned a house down for her. He'd stopped a wedding for her. He'd gone to jail for her. He loved her, didn't he? Didn't anyone?

"You're not what I need anymore," Teddy explained sadly. "You might shut your eyes to who I am, but you're not blind to it anymore. And I need that. I need stability Heather. I need someone to love me blindly. I need someone who won't leave, ever. Before, you would've stayed forever if you hadn't thought I was dead."

"I'll stay forever now if you'll let me," Heather promised. "I love you Teddy."

He nodded. "Yes...but you don't like me. Look at you Heather. These past months you haven't been yourself. You've been a perfect girlfriend to me, but only because you're afraid you'll never find real love and I'm close enough. You don't need me dragging you down."

"It doesn't matter! I bet I would mess up far less without your constant distraction. Maybe you messing with my head was the reason I forgot basic lessons I'd learned years ago, and lost all semblance of common sense. Maybe I would make a couple less mistakes out here on my own. But my life would feel so empty without those distractions."

"You have to face your life head on," Teddy sighed. "I can't be your distraction anymore."

"Don't you love me?" she demanded petulantly.

"Yes," he admitted. "More than I should. Maybe I always will. But you're not good for me anymore Heather. Maybe you never were. You make me weak, I'm here because you overtake my common sense. Its not safe, not with my life. Besides, I'll always love you most when you're gone, I only really want what I can't have. I'll love you more from afar than I ever really could here. When you're around you get half my attention if you're lucky, when you're gone you get pages of love letters I'll never send. You're most perfect from afar, I never realize just how pretty you are til I'm looking back. It's impossible, I only want you by my side when you're walking away, I only miss you being close when you're just out of reach, I only dream of the road not taken until I actually take it. I'm in love with the chaos, you know me, I like watching things burn. I'm never impressed by a perfect house, I love it most when it's a wreck. I can't let anything good stand forever. I'll call when I miss you, can't really help it, and you can pick up if you feel like it, but I can promise it won't last, nothing does with me. I'll get bored sometime, you know me, and give us a million more chances, you can have all the beginnings you want, but the ending won't ever change. I want to be missed more than I want to be loved."

"What about me," Heather sniffled, tears starting to leak out of her eyes, mascara starting to run down her cheeks. Against her better judgment, she'd stopped putting on waterproof makeup, believing somehow that if she wasn't ready to cry she wouldn't, if she truly couldn't stand something she'd somehow be preserved from it, by some altruistic act of a universe that had played her all her life. But unfortunately, the universe had no such considerations, so tears streamed down her face as freely as ever, accentuated by their dark, murky color. "I'm not asking much of you Teddy. Be whoever you want. Just be here."