Desire and Despair

Chapter 20

Nathan reminisced over the past as he glanced over at Teddy. Things had been so simple once between them. Once upon a time being paired with his best friend in anything would've made him smile, a few years ago he would've walked up to Teddy without hesitating to fill him in on his day, back when they'd fought over little plastic toys, not girls named Heather, and the biggest problem facing their friendship was that Nathan's mom might not let him have a sleepover that night, back in the days before they'd gotten high off more than sunshine and sugar. In those days Teddy hadn't been so bad, and he'd truly meant the world to Nathan. It still made him feel a little guilty, even after everything Teddy had done, that he had to be against him now. Was there ever a limit to best friends forever, that sacred promise they'd sworn on the swings at recess one day? He'd meant it too, he'd meant everything he said back then, in those long-outgrown, innocent days when life was so simple. The sun was out, his Mom had packed him Oreos for lunch, and he'd just won a game of tag, and really, that was all he needed in life. It was so easy back then, matters of what was for lunch instead of life and death, when forever didn't seem too long to promise because he could barely remember what had happened yesterday. He thought of some of his most classic moments with Teddy, like the day they'd met. Teddy had stood alone on the first day of school in first grade, but not in a lonely, scared, disoriented way like most new kids, more like he was confident he'd get whatever he wanted, and he was just trying to figure out how. Nathan had instantly gravitated toward him, as terrified as the average new kid, not sure how he'd survive so long without his Mom. Andrew said school wasn't scary...but it sure seemed scary, all these people who didn't know him but somehow knew exactly where they were going, where they belonged. He was horribly afraid he'd start crying in the middle of all these people so he took an instinctive step toward Teddy, the kid that looked like he knew exactly what he was doing, still too intimidated to speak, but feeling a little safer.

"Hey," Teddy said, charming as ever. "You new too?"

Nathan nodded tentatively. "Yeah," he stammered.

Teddy laughed. "Lighten up, school will be fun."

"You think so?" Nathan asked hopefully. He wasn't so sure, but this kid seemed to know everything about everything.

He smirked. "I know so. Anything can be whatever you want. You just gotta break the rules...but keep enough to hold up your reputation. I'm Teddy by the way."

"I'm Nathan," he declared happily, proud to have already made a friend. "Maybe you're right."

Teddy laughed. "I always am."

Nathan was totally unaware of the deep irony he'd find in Teddy's words someday, blissfully ignorant of how the small act of going over to talk to Teddy would someday ruin his life, so he just cheered up because Teddy sounded like he knew what he was talking about, so he was probably right.

The bell rang for them to go back inside and all thoughts of Teddy quickly left his mind. He was paralyzed with fear again as he thought of going back into the maze of hallways and probably getting lost.

"Come on you'll be okay. We'll make this dumb place fun together, you and me," Teddy promised.

"You and me," Nathan had echoed happily, thinking Teddy really could make school fun, maybe because of his fearless attitude, ready to face anything, or maybe the way good things just seemed to drift his way without all too much effort on his part, or maybe it was just that he was six years old and he still believed in everything, especially Teddy Appleton. And in that moment he didn't need safety, a hug from his mom, or the comfort of his warm, familiar bed, he was happiest out here in the freezing cold with no idea where to go next while Teddy laughed with him.

Then, a while later, they'd grown up a little. They'd done it all together, and still somehow never gotten tired of each other. Teddy was still popular and could've ruled the school if he'd tried, but he was happy with Nathan. They balanced each other out, Teddy brought cheerfulness and rebelliousness to spice up Nathan's life, while Nathan provided the calm, reasonable perspective. One day a kid started making fun of Nathan, out of jealousy really, because he was best friends with Teddy Appleton and the brother of Andrew, the friendliest, most well-liked kid around. It wasn't that deep, just a petty, grade-school jab, and Nathan would've just moved on if Teddy hadn't launched himself at the kid. He was surprisingly strong, so he managed to beat the other kid up, with only a few injuries. Of course, teachers came over to break up the tussle, and Teddy got sent to the office. He'd never been before, though he cheated a lot, not because he was needed to, he was smart, a little too smart really, and a little too bored. He did it for kicks, for the thrill of knowing he could get caught, and the pride of being too smart to ever slip up. He made plenty of jokes in class too and broke the dress code all the time, but he always managed to talk his way out of things, somehow staying a bad kid with a great reputation. It was a thin line to walk, but he did it expertly, so he'd never even seen the inside of the office until that day. It's a little hard to talk your way out of beating a kid up though, so he got suspended too. And yet, when he saw Nathan, he cheerfully said he'd do it again. "You can't just let people hurt you Nathan," he'd said confidently. "You have to hurt them back...worse." He'd broken his own rule of keeping up his reputation, the few people he cared about would always be his weakness. And as Nathan looked at Teddy's black eye, and thought about how much trouble he was in, but realized he still had no regrets, he figured out on some level that Teddy would truly do anything for him. He didn't know yet just how dangerous that was.