Desire and Despair

Chapter 23

Teddy wondered what to do. He was starting to question just how much money could buy. He had Nathan close to him, tied to him forever, he could force him to sit next to him at every meal, talk to him just so he had someone to talk to, force him to waste every ticking second of his cursed life sitting in a cell. But it turned out he couldn't buy loyalty, could never force Nathan to be happy that they were together. They were, and maybe that should've been enough, but it was tough. Because maybe he didn't exactly deserve to get Nathan back, but he was more alone than ever these days. He'd broken up with Heather, and she hadn't taken him back. And in the world beyond Heather and Nathan people loved him, but he didn't care. People like Nathan reminded him that conversation was discussing their future careers on a treehouse floor, not commenting on the weather, connection meant a genuine smile when they saw each other, not a curt nod in the halls, friendship meant knowing someone beyond the face they showed to everyone. He could've kept Heather around forever, she was easily bought, with no more than a little show of devotion. Of course, he'd meant it, more than anyone else ever had to her, but she would've loved anyone else for so much less. Still, he might love her most, but she deserved something better, even if that meant scrawny, whiny little Nathan. He didn't fully believe those insults, he still missed Nathan, but he had to take a few cheap shots at him so he wouldn't be too hurt Nathan wanted nothing to do with him. He'd chosen a strong best friend, a truly good person, which was ironic because the very things that had drawn him to Nathan were keeping them apart now. He still loved Heather, in a way, but she was broken now too, under her chipped facade, and there was only room for one of them to be a mess. He couldn't take care of them both, and he'd always matter more. He'd never put anyone before himself as long as he could remember. He loved people deeply, it was one of his biggest weaknesses, but he'd always love himself most. That was why, of course, he'd had to start burning houses, playing with people's lives like they were just pawns in his games, games he always won, by default since he was the only one who knew how to play by the twisted rules, the only one who knew there was a game going on in the middle of the night on some random Wednesday. Sometimes he felt bad for the things he'd done, late at night especially, when all his worst memories came back to haunt him. The smell of fire made him a little sick now, it was still addictive, but he didn't even enjoy it anymore. Sometimes he wanted to change, even believed on some level that he could. But then he remembered that he was the villain, that's all he'd ever been since he was a kid. He couldn't start over, not now, not when his past mistakes were enough to haunt him forever no matter how far beyond them he moved. Looking at Nathan being the hero didn't look like much fun, but it must make sleeping easier at night. He tried to remind himself he was Teddy Appleton, more rich and powerful than Nathan would ever be, but some days he'd trade all that for Nathan's calm, barely registered dreams. But he didn't know how to change, not this late in the game. He had an identity, a pattern, a place in the world. It was awful, but he'd never feel complete without it. A few times he'd actually made plans to improve himself, but quit immediately after he was accidentally rude or deceitful again, always aiming too high and landing flat on his face. It would've been easier if he hadn't been so all or nothing, but he'd always been that way, giving everything to Heather and Nathan, and nothing to everyone else who happened to exist. He had to either be a saint or a killer, there could be no nuance in between, he couldn't be kind at times and cruel at others like the rest of the world, he couldn't be average, he needed an identity, good or bad he had to be something. He almost wished it wasn't so easy, wished his money and influence didn't buy him free access in and out of the prison, wished they'd take it by force because he knew he wasn't strong enough to let it go on his own, he had the will but not the willpower. So in the end he'd always go back to his familiar pattern, eyes watering from the smoke, and maybe something deeper than that, half-hoping it would change someday while refusing to change himself, trying to cover his pain with the rush of his crime. This was who he was, for better or for worse, so he had to go on, had to scheme one more time against Nathan, and finally bring him over to his side. Because the last time everything had felt possible was when Nathan had stood by him, the two of them against the school, against the world. With Nathan by his side maybe he could change, become that cocky, invincible kid again. But he couldn't let go of his treachery and deceit just yet. He had one more game to play with Nathan Parker, for old times' sake. And, just for fun, he'd add one more player to spice it up. If he couldn't get to Nathan the only other option was to get to someone close to him. Nathan went through prison life pretty friendlessly, but there was one girl he spent his days talking to, one office he went into almost every day. And in a few minutes, Teddy would be walking through those charmed doors, discovering what exactly drew Nathan to that little room. After all his trauma and years of dealing with it in the least healthy way possible, Teddy Appleton was finally admitting he needed a little therapy.