Desire and Despair

Chapter 5

"Katie!" Nathan exclaimed when he saw her, running to greet her. He'd missed her so much, although he wasn't sure just how much of that could be attributed to her personally. He'd left a whole world behind, not just her. Maybe it was all her, maybe he didn't miss the brightness, maybe he didn't miss the order, maybe he didn't even miss mattering in general, just mattering to her. Or maybe he missed all of it, missed a whole life, and she was his embodiment of it. Maybe she was no more than a symbol at heart, like a flag, a worthless piece of bright cloth, only valuable for what it represented. He felt that if he'd only lost her maybe he'd be okay, if only he'd had the rest of his life to fall back on. When he mourned a whole life he told himself he was only mourning her because who mourns the color of a wall, or the chill in the air, or snow by Christmas, or simple impartiality? Heartbreak was reserved for love, in its simplest sense. Anytime he missed anything he missed Katie, as if she'd created every good thing in his life. Maybe she had. But then again, maybe she hadn't. In the end, it didn't really matter. He was just so happy to see her again. He wished he could just grab her hand and run back to their world, a simple, happy, normal world without crazy cellmates, powerful gangs, and so much champagne he was sick of it. He remembered Teddy's words. "Everyone's crazy here." But not Katie, she was perfectly sane. He'd taken her for granted, back when she was infinite, always hanging around, cheering at every golf game, even though you weren't meant to cheer at golf games, because screw convention, screw the stuffy silence they were trying to preserve, she'd cheer him on forever. He'd used to find it annoying, he needed his concentration, he'd claimed. He'd thought maybe some other girl would know how to act on a golf course, some other girl would be oh so perfect for him. It was a dangerous game to play, because when he did have to leave her behind he found that the "faraway girl" he'd wasted his time with her pining for didn't exist. He'd gone far away, hours and hours of far away, and everyone he met was infinitely more annoying than Katie. They'd never hand-make him a custom sign with glitter glue and become his own personal cheerleader-something that had been cheesy at the time but he found he missed now when no one ever clapped for anything he did. He'd never realized he'd come to rely on her cheesy, over-the-top gestures of sweetness, always too busy rolling his eyes at them to realize the validation he'd had the luxury of laughing at had been sustaining him all this time. He'd forgotten she was special, surrounded by beauty and love every day for so long he'd forgotten regular people were rather ugly and boring, thinking he could find a better match anywhere. He'd been so picky when he'd had it all and now he was struck with the heartbreaking realization that all these other "faraway girls" were nowhere close to Katie's level, despite all their once-appealing newness. The irony sneered at him from every corner. He'd had the best he'd ever get and he'd squandered that wishing for less.

"Hi," she squealed. "Oh my gosh I missed you so much. You look cute in a prison uniform though, it totally suits you. Orange is definitely your color."

Nathan smiled to himself. Well maybe not completely sane...but at least the good kind of crazy.

"Why are you staring at me?" she giggled.

He was trying to memorize her face, make sure he never forgot again. "Your eyes are blue," he answered stupidly, making her laugh harder.

"I brought you cookies!" she exclaimed.

He grinned affectionately. Somewhere in between working to support them and raising his two daughters, she'd found the time to make him cookies. "Of course you did."

"Well I couldn't let you starve," Katie declared loyally.

"Actually there's a ton of food," he explained. "I have so much to tell you. I know it hasn't been long, but it's already gotten crazy."

"Are you okay?" Katie asked, looking very worried.

He shrugged. "Just typical Nathan Parker luck. I'm used to it by now. Or at least I should be." He considered not telling Katie about all his problems, since he didn't want to worry her more, but he knew he needed to start being honest in their relationship. "Well to start off Teddy, of all people, is my cellmate."

Katie gasped. "That is so crazy! It's like totally fate! I bet it was written in the stars. Try not to see it as a bad thing Nathan, the universe brought you together for a reason. Remember the power of positivity and kindness. Just a smile could brighten his day right up!"

Nathan sighed. "I don't think the universe brought us together although it sure seems to hate me. It was probably Teddy pulling the strings behind the scenes. He practically owns this place. That's the reason I have plenty of food, although honestly nothing compares to your cookies, he gets special treatment and service. He wants me to be his best friend again, and he's threatened to make my life miserable if I don't accept. But I can't just be his friend again. You see the best in everyone, and I love you for it, but he's still the same person at heart."

"People can change," Katie reminded him. "You could be his hero, pulling him out of the darkness into the light."

Nathan smiled ruefully. He wished Katie's hopeful reality was reality, but he knew better. He wanted to explain to her, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. It was so strange to not love someone he couldn't have anymore. It had stung like crazy, but it was much easier to love Heather from a distance than to love Katie right here. Maybe that was why he'd done it for so long."I hope you're right," he told Katie. "But enough about me. How are you doing?"

Katie smiled. "Well I couldn't be better. I got employee of the month and they put my picture up! Y'know Andrew did offer me your orthodontist position, but I turned it down. I just couldn't abandon Acme like that, I don't know how they'd run without me."

Nathan forced himself not to laugh. "What about the girls?" he choked.

"Well they're doing great too," Katie declared brightly. "They miss you of course. It's lucky you were always busy with work or golfing though, they're rather used to it." Nathan winced at the reminder of the person he'd used to be, although Katie had meant it nicely. "I'm going to bring them by tomorrow. I just thought for today it should be just us so I could catch up on everything. Heather's watching them." "

"Heather?" Nathan repeated in surprise.

"Oh yeah we're like best friends now," Katie declared. "She is so sweet. I figured she might be lonely after Jackson died so I invited her over for dinner. For the first month she was busy every single night. Can you believe that? Her job works her way too hard, the poor thing." Nathan smiled at Katie's innocent naivety. "Anyway finally one night she was free and we had a very nice dinner together. She adores the girls, and she volunteered to babysit them for me so I could come visit. Of course she visits too sometimes, did you hear she's back together with Teddy? It's so romantic, they've found their way back together after all these years."

Nathan sighed. "That's one way to look at it."

"I hope you haven't been giving her a hard time," Katie warned him. "She's been through enough."

"I'm just worried," Nathan admitted. "But I'm glad she has you." And he meant it. Katie could help Heather through anything. She'd already helped him through all this. He didn't know what he'd do without her. But she had to go now, and she'd always have to go sometime and this was always how it would have to be. They'd have their happy moments, but they'd always come to an end, there was no forever. He'd promised it to her, but since when did Nathan Parker keep his promises? And yet he half-smiled as she walked away because she always did, and always was close enough to forever, their own twisted version. He'd never get back the simple days when he could just 'round a corner and see the person he loved more than anything standing in the hall. It would always be complicated now, always be a little bittersweet. But at least they had these fragmented moments to hold onto, even when his time was up and his guard returned to take him back to his cell. He didn't deserve her and he knew it, but he couldn't help being selfishly glad that she always showed up anyway.