Desire and Despair

Chapter 22

"Hey Nathan," Rochelle greeted him brightly. "You have another slot to spend a day back at home."

Strangely Nathan wasn't half as excited as he'd been at his last opportunity. He kind of just wanted to talk to Rochelle. But what was he saying? He'd dreamed of home forever. Of course, he wanted to go back. How could he waste this chance? He just wasn't thinking straight at the moment. "I'll go get ready," he said.

He texted Katie and she told him to come to his old house, she was staying there with Carter. He recognized the house immediately, he hadn't lived five years for nothing. And yet somehow it didn't feel like home anymore. Maybe it was in the little changes, the way the yard had gotten a little overgrown in his absence, or the fact that Carter's fancy silver Lexus was parked in the driveway. It was completely unreasonable, but he wished it could've started exactly the same, just stayed frozen while he was gone. Time was ever-changing, but he wished it could be just like what he'd envisioned in his head when he got lonely so far away. His own home shouldn't feel so foreign to him. But he tried to shake it off as he knocked on the door because that had changed too, he couldn't just saunter in anytime it suited him. He wished he could feel nothing but sheer euphoria in the moment. He should, it was his homecoming, even if it was fleeting. But he felt a million emotions at once, too muddled to settle on just one. Part of it hurt, even though he should be blissfully happy pain gathered in his chest at the sight of everything he'd lost all around him, so close, so tempting, yet so temporary. It felt like the faded memory of some beautiful dream, it hardly felt real, as if the door would disappear the moment he reached out to knock. But it was solid under his hand as he made his presence known, terrified that he wasn't rushing to get inside. He'd dreamed of this moment for ages, maybe there was too much pressure for it to really have a chance at meeting his crazy expectations. Or maybe the true problem couldn't be escaped by leaving his prison, maybe the issue was in him. Everywhere he went he took himself, and maybe that's why he was never quite happy. Maybe his true prison was somewhere in his screwed-up mind. Because he felt free of nothing now, nothing but his easy excuses. There was no reason not to be happy left. He simply wasn't.

Katie answered the door quickly, a warm smile on her face. "Nathan!" she exclaimed brightly. "I've missed you!" And he'd known her long enough to know she meant it. She had missed him. But she'd moved on too, to a life that was almost just as perfect without him around. He couldn't help feeling like a bit of an inconvenience, a bother even, when she had another entire life to live, and he was just here, trying so hard to cling to the remnants of the life they'd once shared. But she was unfailingly sweet, she'd never tell him to go. And he hated to get by on pity, but at least he was getting by. At least she was here. At least she was smiling.

"Hey Nathan," Carter greeted him cheerfully. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Hey," Nathan answered tersely, trying to hide his annoyance. He didn't mind at all that Katie had moved on, there hadn't even been anything real to move on from. But to have Carter walking around like he owned the place.....It was just another change, and it felt like one too far. He was the interloper now, the odd one out, while Carter, who hadn't even known Katie's name two weeks ago, was right at home. He wasn't jealous of Carter with Katie, she deserved to be happy, and they'd never really been meant to be. Life would be a little easier if only they could've been in love if only saying it a thousand times could've conjured up real feeling, but it never had. Still, it didn't seem fair, after all the years he'd spent with Katie, making a home together, that now he was gone and someone else had the keys to his world. He'd suffered through furniture shopping and lugged everything to its proper place, and all he'd managed to do was build the perfect home for someone else. Carter fit right into his old seat at the breakfast table, so easily it was almost as if Nathan had never been there to begin with. He wondered if they'd even had time to miss him before his place was filled and they had someone else to think of. Katie grabbed him an extra seat, and despite her quick kindness it kind of broke his heart. He was a guest now, an extra, doomed to stay in the spare room and sit at the edge of everything in a folding chair. There would always be room for him at Katie's table, he knew that, she would always be sweet and welcoming. But they'd always have to make room. He'd always be the visitor now, he'd never blend right in as easily as he once had. And in a way, it was nice because he was a big deal now. Heather would be here soon, everyone was always flooding around him when he managed to come back, more than they ever had before it all fell apart. He was rare now, so they all made the most of their moments. And they had fun, they always did. It was nice to cause such a scene, to mean so much for a little while. But he'd trade it all just to fade into the background again, because of course he was around, because he was always around. He'd give it all just to belong.