Desire and Despair

Chapter 11

Nathan leaned back in his favorite chair, unsettled by how comfortable it was becoming. He made an easy beeline to it now, and could probably do it with his eyes closed. Sometimes as he relaxed into it he forgot to remember what it wasn't, that he didn't belong here, that he shouldn't fit so easily, that he should feel out of place. There was danger in the allure of simplicity, the way it was so easy to relax into a sleepy haze instead of fighting to remember he didn't belong here. These days it was getting easier and easier to settle for cheap replacements. Even as he thought of replacements, as if it was some kind of fate, he noticed a guard in the corner who looked just like Heather. Well, a knock-off kind of Heather. He'd talked to her several times before, but he'd never noticed just how close she was. Of course, her eyes didn't shine quite as bright, her hair didn't have that same copper sheen, and her smile didn't seem quite as wide. And of course, she hadn't yelled at him for crashing his cart into her car or promised to marry him over the waves crashing against the shore in Cuba. She wasn't Heather, not really, but she was close, with her pretty brunette hair and ready laugh. In a way, he thought maybe he could be okay if only he pieced together his old life somehow. One person for Heather's smile, one for her dark hair, one for the way she made him laugh. No one could be all of it at once, that was once in a lifetime, but maybe if he added everyone together, it would all add up like a jigsaw puzzle to everything he'd ever wanted. Maybe all the chipped fragments could come together and make a mosaic of "close enough." For a moment he let himself hope, that somehow he could find Heather in her, because if he could he'd have to be okay, wouldn't he? His expectations were far too high, it didn't even really make sense that he'd recover all he'd lost after a few words. It wasn't fair of course, she didn't know him, had no idea what was breaking him, she was just another girl with reddish-brown hair and a friendly smile. He couldn't just expect her to fix him, couldn't even expect her to care to. But then, he was truly desperate, so he really did believe, at least a little.

Maybe he didn't even like her, he seemed to have lost his ability to truly like anyone anymore. Too much of his heart had been given away, he'd ended up pretty heartless. He had no love left to give, but he was bored and lonely. Maybe what he really liked about her wasn't her smile, or the pretty shine of her hair. Maybe all he really loved was that she wasn't his. She didn't want him, she hardly even knew him. She stuck to her side of the halls, he didn't owe her a hello, she didn't owe him a goodbye. She lit everything up for a moment and then she was gone, and he knew he didn't love her, but it was entertaining. He was human after all. He'd love nothing more than what he couldn't have.

But he still decided to try to start talking to her, because since when did he make good decisions? "Hey," he began, starting small, with all he could seem to think to say.

She smiled. "Hi! I'm Olivia."

And he frowned at that because he didn't want to get to know some "Olivia", and learn her life story, favorite color, and how many pets she had. To tell the truth, he couldn't care less about Olivia. He just wanted Heather back, or at least some kind of knock-off. And she wasn't sticking to the script. Anytime he met anyone these days he'd typecast them-"such an Andrew", "what a Katie" and even now "just like Heather." But it was pointless to cast roles in a show no one but him watched anymore, to write out the lines they couldn't stick to, to be surprised when they acted "out of character". Still, he answered, "I'm Nathan", with all the courtesy he could muster. "You ever get sick of all these walls?"

She laughed lightly. "Yes, all the time. It's like some fancy cage. Although I'm sure it's worse for you, I get to go home every night, even if I'm here all day to afford it. Who knows, maybe I should turn to a life of crime too. Seems to pay the bills pretty well."

Nathan smiled. He liked the way she made light of everything. She was really almost Heather. Almost. "I see the potential. Although I'm afraid I can't exactly recommend it too highly."