the summer we fell || jeremiah fisher

P A R T 1 4

BACK TO LEXIS POV:

(TW: MENTION OF S/H)

I ran home, tears running down my face, so many thoughts running through my head ( i've said this phrase about 28318 times sorry😭) why was he being like this?, why did he let gigi say those things to me? why wasn't i good enough.?

When i got to the house i run inside up to my room crashing onto my bed, susannah and my mom were already asleep in their rooms as it was late. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling still crying, thinking if i should talk to jeremiah about it all or not.

My anxiety was high and i didn't want to be here, not in my room, not in this house, just gone. I start to ball, not just a normal cry i balled my eyes out til i couldn't breathe. I have had enough, gigi's words made my skin crawl.

My eyes filled with tears as I walked to my dresser, my hand trembling as I reached for the drawer. I had done this far too many times before. Opening the drawer, I saw a blade gleaming back at me as if it was calling to me. I picked it up and looked at it, my mind spinning and my anxiety coursing through me.

I was so desperate to find a way to release the pain and overwhelm I was feeling. Before I knew it, my skin was broken, a release of sorts from the intense emotions I was holding onto. In the moment, it felt like freedom. But I knew in the long term, it was only going to cause me more pain.

It had been months since i've done it and i really thought i was getting better. When i relapsed i felt a gut feeling of regret, i was so ashamed of myself that i had actually relapsed, i was doing so well, why did i let a boy that clearly doesn't care about me anymore and a girl i barely knew make me feel this way.

I decided to have a long hot bath, to try and relax but, of course that didn't work i could feel my arms stinging, the pain felt good, but i was still ashamed. I thought the bath was going to help, but it clearly didn't, as i came out i looked in the mirror to see my eyes swollen and puffy.

The next morning i woke up and i could barely open my eyes, they were swollen, puffy, and red. I didn't know i had been crying this much. I lay in bed for a good few hours, i just wanted to be alone today but, i knew staying in bed won't do me any good. I'd just get more upset and cry more.

I decided to finally get up and i hadn't been on my phone so, i check it and the time was 3:34pm. I had been in my bed for almost the whole day. I decide to get up and make myself look a little more presentable, i put on a pastel pink nike hoodie hiding my scars and some white shorts hoping it would draw attention away from my puffy eyes.

I head downstairs hoping the boys were at work and no one else was home. I head to the kitchen and of course the one and only jeremiah fisher was stood there, making eggs. I see him glance at me and i see him  noticing my eyes he looked shocked, i roll my eyes at him hoping he would at least apologise for last night.

"where is everyone else" i say trying to get something out of him

"gone clearly, open your eyes" he says in a rude tone

My anger starts to build up and i could feel it coming up finally i blurt out "OMG what's your fucking problem?"

"you" he says in an annoyed tone

"jere please what have i actually done to make u so fucking mad at me" i say trying not to cry

"don't call me that" he says not even making eye contact with me

"what?..." i say as i could feel tears forming in my eyes

"just fuck off i don't want to talk to you" he says still not making eye contact

"fine but, just so you know no one will ever care for u as much as i did, u've made me feel so shit this past week and i don't even know what i've done. There's no coming back from this i don't want to speak to you ever again i don't want you in my life anymore if this is how your going to be." I blurt out.

I didn't want to mean those words because, on the inside i knew jeremiah would always have a place in my heart that no one else could and i will forever care about him, no matter how wrong he does me.