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I feel like every time i hear a loud noice I flinch. Mum was struggling as much as I was. Dad well he was struggling just because he didn't know how to really help me and that's all he wanted to do. It hurt me to see him hesitate to see him questioning his actions. The worst thing that killed was that I went quiet or go quiet. It was instant though, I couldn't help it. Everything felt so foreign. I felt so isolated. Something of my own doing.
I sat on the couch the clean pristine atmosphere something I always loved and was apart of my dad, now something that makes me want to scream. Why I don't know. There wasn't a spec of dust, the floors perfect, the blankets on the couch folded perfectly, every picture straight, no streaks on the clean kitchen counter, even the air smelt fresh. The controls for the tv and PlayStation perfectly straight on the table. The fear of not putting them back perfect or even a book that were all perfectly straight, was very real. Not the he might hurt or kill me type of fear more the I don't want want to annoy or burden him. I can't help but stare at an uneven book no doubt my doing. I couldn't move, Gravity pushing my lungs down making it hard to breathe.
"Hey Allie are you...what's wrong" dad said looking around before pausing seeing what I was staring at and fixing it. "Better" he questions "hey Allie Alice where's that mind" "nowhere" "nowhere you don't want to tell me or" "there's nothing" I sigh "don't worry you will end up finding that very peaceful" he mused hugging me "now are you hungry" I nod "I do miss your voice but hey let's enjoy the silence silence is our enemy though" he whispered to me making me sigh. I watch him move around the kitchen effortlessly making us a sandwich. I felt like I was being suffocated watching him. He carried the world and it didn't seem to burden him. I started to wonder if I was a burden. I never affected him before always on time, perfect grades, slept well. Now none of that is true. I couldn't sleep, my grades slipped. I couldn't cheer or really do anything physical anymore. Sure I loved reading and spending time in the library but cheer was apart of me. I was shot in my stomach but as I was diving to take the bullet for Emilia I smashed my knee on the shelf. I had to have a full knee reconstruction so even when the bullet wound healed completely I would never be the same. I limped or hopped around refusing to use my crutches, dad usually carried long distances. It was the only remanence physically left of what happened.
The blanket on the couch was perfectly folded. Perfectly hanging, it was even. It was like a compulsion. I scream out like a banshee. I grab the blanket throwing it watching it thunderously drop to the floor in a crumpled mess. I grab random papers throwing them, they fly in every direction. Delicately falling to the floor like snowflakes. The snow outside feeling like hot burns every time they touched me. I stare out the window watching it effortlessly fall. I was in a trance moving and staring. I felt a gentle hand grab my arms startling me. In a swift motion I'm pulled and colliding against a chest. I fought and fought my brain so foggy I can't process. I fought until I couldn't. "I got you" I stilled exhausted his arms holding me tightly as my eyes and mind come back and see the mess I created. "Your sandwich is on the counter you should rest though I'll clean up" I shake my head "I'll help" "it's ok you need rest" "dad" "it's ok ally" I sigh looking down "I don't know what happened" "we'll ask Will" he shrugged "I just" "don't worry about it right now eat rest and when Will comes home we'll ask him" I slowly nod "are you disappointed in me" "never" he said holding me before kissing my head. "Go rest all that movement probably hurt you" it was then that I realised how much my stomach and knee hurt. He was right i need to rest. "I love you Alice" he told me "love you daddy" I pause at the doorway "could you uh could you come lay with me if I'm still awake when you finish" he smiles "of course" I felt bad instantly was I making him exhausted. Was he getting enough sleep or lying awake worried about me.
I lie awake staring at the ceiling. I could hear it the banging. I could feel the same fear as before. My eyes find my dad as he opens the door pausing before entering. "Why aren't you at least trying to sleep" "I can hear it" he looks confused "the gunfire it's so loud" "Ally I need to ask you something did you know them....the guns who did this" I remain silent "I uh" "Ally" I stare at his eyes that seemed to shine in my dark room "we were friends" "find comfort in the fact that he didn't aim you" "but Millie" "you were so brave to protect her" he stokes my head I couldn't close my eyes. "I'm not leaving" he assured me holding my hand keeping the other on my head. "Why can't I sleep anymore" "if I knew I probably wouldn't have clung to you to help me sleep" he smiled at me i sleepily nod.
