LOVELORN

19|Winter & Packing

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THREE DAYS until winter break was what I kept repeating to myself. This week had been better. At least a little. I had the skiing trip and getting to spend the entire break with Zora to look forward to. Some of that anger had sizzled away a little and I felt ashamed for treating Avi badly again. Our relationship was rocky but he'd shown he cared. That despite my cold attitude, he was there for me and hadn't given up. Having a clean room really did help more than he could imagine.

I tried not to linger too much on the fact that I wouldn't get to go to India with my parents. As the trip was getting closer and they were discussing it shamelessly in front of me, it was getting more difficult. It was that same feeling of hearing people talk about plans you weren't invited to in front of you, except amplified. Our last assignments had been turned in so I spent all the time I could at Zora's place. It helped keep the self-destructive thoughts away. I was trying to stop the relapse, to remind myself that I could recover again.

Maybe if I'd only done it once since the argument it would have been easier, but I'd fallen into the habit again and habits were hard to break. Sometimes I didn't want to recover and that was the mindset that I knew was making this so much harder. I'd been attempting to implement the advice my therapist had given me when I still had one, but it was all so much easier said than done. Regardless of how often I told myself 'one more time', it was never just one more time. I'd gone three days now and I was hoping last time actually had been the last time.

When I first got into exercising, I'd run when I felt like shit, which I still did. But I was trying to do it more again. It was the only thing that seemed to help.

"We should go ice skating," Mara said after she'd finished chewing. "I'm a beast at it."

"You used to do figure skating, no shit you're good," Zora pointed out.

"You did figure skating? That's so cool! I always wished I did some sporty activity, like gymnastics or something. Imagine the power I'd have if I could backflip. I'd be unstoppable," Mai said, looking up at the ceiling as if she was reminiscing upon a dream she wishes to come true. "Why'd you quit though?"

"I was dedicating so much of my time to it that at one point, it just brought me more stress than happiness. Now I just go to a rink whenever I want to practice a little, I enjoy it again because of the lack of pressure. So, are we up for ice skating or not?"

Ice skating was so much fun and everyone else agreed, so we made plans to go to a rink someday when we were all available. Having things to do during the winter break would keep me from being alone with my thoughts. But on the day of the plans, I knew I'd regret making them. I always just wanted to stay in bed instead. Practically had to bully myself into getting up.

"I both hate and love packing," Zora said on the walk to her house after school.

She looked extra cute and cozy in the winter with her puffy jacket, beanie, scarf, and fluffy gloves. The jacket was so soft too and I just wanted to cuddle her. The cold personally offended her, though.

"I just hate it."

"Planning outfits you'll wear is fun but I always want to bring way more than I can. Also, it's so tedious and always takes forever for me."

"I'll help you pack if you help me in return," I offered.

"Deal. Anything's more fun with a friend. When do you start packing?"