LOVELORN

35|Insecurities & shock

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

I LOOKED back and forth between Harper and the door, trying to decide what to do. Her hands had left my skin. She was watching me with an expectant look, one brow cocked.

"She's not your girlfriend or anything, is she?" Harper asked when I'd stayed quiet for too long, frozen in the same spot. Yeah, right. In my fucking dreams.

My head shook vehemently, not wanting her to think I was a cheater. "No, no. She's my...best friend. I'm not out to her, though. Not really out in general, to be honest. Only two people know."

Breathe. In and out. In and out. One, two, three, four, five.

Understanding washed over her. "I see. Do you want to go back out there?"

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Loud and beating erratically. The realization that the walls I'd put up to protect that part of my identity had been crushed against my will sank into me, sobering up any part of me that was still clouded by alcohol. She knows. She knows. The words scratched themselves into my brain until all I could hear was a persistent loop of: she knows. Like a broken record.

"Are you okay?" Harper asked. "She's not homophobic, is she?"

"She's not. I just, I want to get back out there." My voice came out raspy, cementing in that I was in fact not fine.

"That's okay I'll-"

Before she could finish, I'd headed for the door. When I was out in the hallway and the living room was in my line of sight, nausea crawled up me. The alcohol mixed with anxiety and heightened the severity of it. Why did I think drinking was a good idea?

Zora was sitting on the couch, her hands entwined on her lap. She followed me with her eyes as I took my spot beside her. I didn't want to talk here, so my strategy was to pretend nothing had happened. Since there was no way she was going to confront me in a group of people, it worked.

It didn't stop her gaze from burning into me, however. I pretended like I didn't notice it when in reality it was the only thing I could truly focus on. Never had I wished I could read her mind as badly as I did right then. Was she judging me? Was she thinking back on every time she'd been close to me or changed in front of me and feeling uncomfortable? Was she just confused? Caught off guard? I had no way of knowing without talking to her, which I wasn't going to do. Not yet, at least. Eventually, soon, I would have to, but I was trying not to think about that. Consequently, it was all that I could think about.

When Harper returned, we resumed conversation like nothing had happened. The only thing that changed was that it seemed more friendly than before, less flirty. She stayed within her space, refraining from touching or leaning closer, correctly assuming I wasn't in the mood for it anymore. However, it didn't appear to offend her, which was a major relief.

Lex moved so he could whisper something into Harper's ear not long after she'd come back, wearing a smirk. Whether he wanted me to hear it or not, I wasn't sure, but I did.

"You were in there for a while, yeah?"

"Shut up, Lex," Harper hissed in a low tone.

"Just saying. You've never been subtle with your flirting."

As if he'd said nothing, he continued speaking to Ruby and the couple whose names I didn't remember. I couldn't help the embarrassment that set in. If Lex could tell we'd been flirting, who else could? I wasn't sure I wanted to know. This entire night was starting to be filled with regrets and I felt like disappearing into my bed.